Merry Christmas 2012

I can not believe I have 7 weeks and 2 days to go until my due date.  It seems like yesterday we were taking the test and I still had a flat stomach!  The time has definitely flown by.  As I feel her squirm and and kick all around in my belly, I am constantly reminded that she is in there and each passing day is a day closer to meeting her.  It is Christmas and I have two weeks off, which I will take full advantage of as far as getting things ready.  The nursery is almost finished, the car seat and stroller are assembled, and blankets are washed.  I will be washing the rest of her things, setting up the pack n play, and getting bags packed over the next few weeks.  It may sound like I'm doing things a little early, but I've had too many friends go into labor early and not be ready.  When things go down, I want to be able to grab my bags and go.  Not that I'm anticipating an early delivery, but after my dr appt. last week, there's a possibility...

Stepping on the scale is always fun, but this time it was extra fun because I lost a pound in four weeks!  How does that happen? Pregnant and lost weight? So, I was feeling pretty good before seeing the Dr.  First, he checked the heartbeat which was strong.  Then, he measured my belly....a few times.  He looked at me and said rather bluntly....you're measuring big.  I was 31w5d and my belly was measuring 34 weeks.  How can this be??? I lost a pound.  So, he told me to cut back on sugar and carbs and scheduled an ultrasound for Jan 4.  Clearly, I was upset all the way home, but after doing some research and talking to my family, I was reassured that this is normal.  On the bright side, we get another ultrasound and a peek at Charlee....hopefully we will see her better than last time when she had her hands over her face.  I'm hoping that she measures right on track and everything is fine.  If she does measure big, I'm not sure what that means for due date.  We will have to wait and see.  But cut back on sugar at Christmas??? Is this man crazy....who has that kind of will power?  

So Blessed

I am 30 weeks and 4 days today.  I can't believe I have less than 9 weeks to go.  TJ and I have so much to be thankful for and I have been reminded of that several times over the last few weeks.  Over Thanksgiving, we were in Missouri.  TJ's family threw us a gift card/cash party while we were there.  Everyone was so generous and giving.  We were able to purchase all the baby furniture...crib, dresser, mattress and even some other items with all that was given to us.  I have married into such an amazing family and I can't wait to bring Charlee back to Missouri to meet all of them.

And then there's the amazing family I came from...This past weekend, my sister, mom, and a few friends helped to put on our shower here.  Everything was beautiful and Charlee got some great gifts.  My grandma, aunts, and friends all came to celebrate our miracle.  I was overcome with emotion during the shower a few times.  As I was opening yet another gift from my mother-in-law, I began to cry and felt that I wasn't going to be able to stop.  The reality of this really happening came over me.  I was really sitting there opening gifts for my baby girl.  Something I thought I may never do.  And as I went to thank everyone at the end, I began to cry again.  I couldn't even get the words out and I felt so foolish because there were things I wanted to say to the women in that room.  I wanted to thank anyone and everyone who prayed for us over the last few years, who supported and encouraged us and hoped for us.  Without them, I don't know if TJ and I would be where we are today.  When I felt like giving up, it was the people in my life who helped give me the strength to continue, along with my faith in God's plan.  Although, truthfully, my faith in God's plan wavered at times.  I didn't understand it then and still don't, but I do believe God knew we were not ready yet to become parents.  I also believe God will never give us more than we can handle.  So, although I may not understand WHY we went through what we did, I wouldn't change a thing. 

The crib is up in the nursery, along with all the bedding.  It is SO pretty!  We are waiting on the dresser to come in to complete the set.  Her closet us bulging with clothes!  Everything already looks so good in there, so I know the finished product will be perfect.  I just did my first full load of receiving blankets and burp cloths....much easier to fold and put away than TJ's laundry! 

It becomes more real everyday that this baby is on her way.  I pray every night for a healthy little girl and a good delivery.  I am definitely fearing the actual labor pain and just hope everything goes as "planned".  I can't wait to see what she looks like and to finally hold her!  Let the count down begin...

Hello 3rd Trimester

As I approach my 28th week of pregnancy, I am feeling excited, anxious, and scared!  It is hitting me that my life is about to change forever.  Although I can not wait to see this little girl, I am nervous about the changes she will bring.  TJ and I have been together going on 7 years and it has just been the two of us...coming and going as we please.  I am fully aware that it will no longer be this free-flowing in about 3 months.  I don't know if that's really hit TJ yet or not, but it is something I'm thinking about frequently.  I mean, we walk out the door without cell phones or wallets or keys all the time...are we going to forget her too?  Believe it or not, I worry about this!  I worry about us being good parents and will motherhood come "naturally" for me like people say it does?  Will I have a good labor, will I be able to breastfeed, will she look like us?  So many unanswered questions.  It's the fear of the unknown.


On the other hand, I also know (through the experiences of other parents) that having a baby will fill our lives with joy and new found love.  That we will experience a happiness that we have never felt before.  That I will see TJ as the father of my child and not just my husband. We are definitely ready for something new in our lives and although I know this will be the hardest thing we ever do, she will be the best thing we ever do.

We have started on Charlee's room.  The walls are painted a shade of grey, the carpet is in, and TJ is in the process of installing the new baseboards.  I can't wait to see the room finished.  Still lots to do.  Here is a picture of the bedding we picked out. 



We have 2 showers coming up in the next few weeks and alreadyhave been receiving some gifts.  I'm looking forward to celebrating Baby Charlee with family and friends.  This is the homestretch! Lots to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday!!

Large and In Charge

I never realized how flat my stomach was until now!  At 25 weeks, I have gained a total of 16 lbs.  I think I'm pretty much all belly, except for the double chin and the cellulite I've mentioned in my blogs before.  Unfortunately, I've been in quite a bit of pain over the last few weeks.  My doctor says this is from the "symphysis pubis" becoming too stretchy, which has to do with the ligaments that usually keep your pelvic bone aligned.  I guess it can cause pain in some women.  There have been days where I've literally limped around work.  My family keeps saying "you're only 6 months, what are you going to do when you're 8 or 9 months??"  I've thought about this and the thought scares me, truthfully.  I feel like a big wimp and that I am not being a very good pregnant person.  But, it's not fun being in pain everyday!  Today was the first day in weeks that I felt pretty good.  It wasn't painful, just a dull ache.  I'm hoping that the ligaments are done stretching at least for a few weeks. 

What makes all this pain worthwhile??  Getting to feel her everyday, all day.  She kicks and pokes nonstop in all different spots around my belly.  I don't know what she's going to do when she gets too big to move around like that.  I can already tell she's going to be an athlete (like her mommy).

Other exciting things going on...we registered, picked out the baby furniture, and now have started on the room. Well...TJ has started on the room.  We're re-doing the baby's room and the guest room, so he has a lot of work ahead of him: painting, new carpet, baseboards, etc....We want our guest room to feel like home for Tj's mom when she comes to babysit Charlee while TJ and I go out...I mean when she comes to visit. 

Our first gift came today from his Grandma.  She bought us our monitor and I saw our pack n play had been bought too.  It's crazy to think we will be using these things very soon.  I know this month and next month will fly by because of the holidays and with so much to get done.  February will be here before we know it.  I am so excited to see our little girl and to hold and kiss her.  It still blows my mind to know that I'm going to be a mom and that I'm going to have a daughter.  I'm definitely getting to the point of just wanting her here, but until then, I am enjoying my last few months of sleeping and laying around on the couch whenever I want!

The perks of pregnancy

I swore that when or if I finally got pregnant, I would never complain about anything.  So, when people ask me how I'm feeling, I always say "good".  For the most part, I do feel good and I have had a good pregnancy so far.  BUT, there are a few things that I'm having a hard time accepting right now.  For starters...the weight gain and increase of cellulite.  I know the answer to this is to work out and exercise, but by the time I get home everyday I have no motivation to get outside and walk.  I have never seen my legs looks so horrible and my ass is just a jiggly ball of cottage cheese.  It makes me worry about getting back into shape after pregnancy.  Speaking of gaining...my boobs are growing by the day.  I just bought a 36D from Victoria's Secret 2 weeks ago and have already grown out of that bra.  WTF??  You would think I'd be happy to have porn-star boobs, but I think it's contributing to my back pain.  OHHH, the back pain.   Around mid-day each day, I start getting a throbbing, burning pain inbetween my shoulder blades on my right side.  It is miserable!  I feel like I'm already waddling around work, like I'm 9 months pregnant. I pee on the hour every hour.  I am starting to have trouble sleeping.  I think I'm starting to get the heartburn and have been having acid reflux...something I've never had before.  All I can think to myself is how I'm going to do this for another 4 months.  Am I being a wimp?  Maybe I am.  I'm hoping it's all just my body trying to adjust to my growing belly and my growing baby and the aches and pains will become more bearable as I get closer to February.  I asked TJ last night how I'm going to do this and he said you just will, you will adjust.  Maybe this is nature's way of preparing me for the aches and pains Charlee will bring me later on in life.  Who knows..

Ultimately, I know that when I see her beautiful face for the first time, I will look back on these moments and laugh.  I know that every single ache and pain will be worth it in the end.  I paid very good money for these aches and pains and waited a long time for them, so I know I should be thanking God.  So, thank you God, for the weight gain, the cellulite, the heartburn and whatever else may lay ahead...I wouldn't change it for the world.
   

Ok, I'm done venting.

1/2 Way There

Twenty weeks down and twenty to go...give or take.  When we went for our u/s, she was measuring a week ahead, so maybe that'll mean I won't make it to Feb. 14.  Who knows...maybe I'll go past my due date.  It would be pretty special to have her born on Valentines Day though.  I always get "awww" when I tell people my due date.  February seems so far away, but the first 5 months went by pretty quickly, so I'm sure the next 5 will fly by too.  Actually, it seems that the last 2 1/2 years are a blur, despite everything we went through to get here.

Speaking of the last couple years...I never thought in a million years that I would end up having trouble getting pregnant. (I've said this before) I don't think anyone grows up thinking that.  But, the reality is that it happens to many couples.  It is more common than people realize because it is not talked about openly.  People want to share their happy stories of getting pregnant after 2 months or trying for their 3rd or 4th.  These people will never know the pain and heartache that comes with infertility.  I, on the other hand, will never forget the darkness and the doubt that I faced for what seemed like forever.  Although, I am sitting here truly blessed with a miracle and can touch my growing belly as a reminder that I really am pregnant, I know that without modern medicine I would probably not have a chance to carry a child.  I think the best thing I ever did was "come out" about my struggles.  After having so many colleagues ask me about having a baby, I couldn't take it anymore without punching someone in the face.  So, when I had my surgery to unblock my tubes, I had my principal explain to the staff what was going on with me.  After that...no one asked about me having babies.  Instead, they said they were praying for us and hoping for the best.  What more could I have asked for besides prayers.  And I believe they were heard and answered.

Shortly after coming out at work, I had a "friend" confide in me that he and his wife were struggling with infertility also and had been for years.  We became close and became a support system for eachother as we both faced IVF.  I know that if I had never told the staff, he would've never opened up to me and we both would've continued going through fertility treatments in silence.  I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I am happy that I did not suffer in silence.  My family knew, my friends knew, and my co-workers knew and in turn, I had a strong support system and became almost proud of what TJ and I have survived.  I know it has made us a better couple and it has made me a stronger person.  It has also made me and everyone around me aware of infertility and empathetic to every person I know experiencing it and everyone I saw walk through those doors at the fertility clinic.  I also know that there are worse things that can happen in life, but when you want a baby so bad and cannot have one, it does become the worst possible thing that can happen to you. 

At the end of the day, I went through what seemed like the worst possible thing to ever happen to me to the best possible thing that has ever happened to me.  I am proof that there is hope, when things seem hopeless.  I have been hopeless and am now full of new hopes, not only for her, but for our whole family.  I hope that when my daughter is old enough, that she will one day understand just how much she means to us and how long we waited to meet her and what a true miracle she really is.

Tickled Pink

I thought it would take forever for Sept. 19 to get here.  This was our scheduled u/s appointment and the day we could find out what we were having.  I guess it wasn't until about 12 weeks that I started to feel that it was a girl tumbling around in my belly.  I think the fact that all of TJ's family telling me it would be a girl probably got me thinking that way.  But, all my dreams have always been of me holding a baby girl...never a boy.  I just had a strong feeling that it was a girl.  I honestly was going to be shocked if they told me boy...not disappointed, just shocked.

My dad surprised me and came to the u/s.  They called us back at 1:30 on the dot..thank God for no waiting.  I was already anxious enough.  I felt like I was going to poop my pants!  It was my first tummy u/s too and the sonographer did a lot of measurements and checking anatomy before we could take a peek between the legs.  She counted...2 hands, 2 feet, 2 arms, 2 legs, measured the head, checked the nose and lips...sometimes we could make out the body parts and other times we were like..wtf is that???  It took her a little bit to measure because this baby was super active and wouldn't stay still.  The sonographer even said that I wasn't lying when I've said I feel the baby moving.  Finally, it was time to see if it was a boy or a girl.  Right away, she got the perfect view and froze the frame, pointing out there were not boy parts so it was definitely A GIRL!!!!!! All I could think to myself was I knew it.  I felt it.  I cried and had a permanent smile on my face for the rest of the day.  I think TJ got a little more scared knowing that he's going to have a little girl to take care of for the rest of his life, along with me.  And if she does half the stuff we've done...we are in big trouble!!!

It's an amazing, yet terrifying feeling, knowing that you are going to be a parent. I'm already thinking of the things I will teach her, the things I want her exposed to and the things I don't.  It's crazy because you can try to mold this person into what you want her to be or what you never were.  I want the absolute best for her already.  I love knowing that she's a girl and I can call her by her name and not "it".  Speaking of the name...we struggled with the girl name.  We've had our boy name picked out for years, but the girl we couldn't get.  Originally, I liked the name Bryn, but it just wasn't sticking with me like our boy name always has.  We went through a name book of 50,000 plus names and still had no luck.  We tossed around a few, but again nothing stuck until we were in Missouri in August for vacation.  Someone mentioned Charlie...TJ's dad's name.  We thought about it and both really started liking it.  So, ever since...the name stuck.  Of course we've had doubts about it because it is usually a boy's name, but when we thought of the meaning and the fact that she will carry on her grandpa's full name put to rest our fears.  I think she will be proud to know that she is named after her grandfather, a strong and hard-working man.  We've changed the spelling to feminize the name a little and her middle name is after my Aunt Tina.  We also have Charlie on the Symmes' side too, so the name couldn't be more perfect...
We can't wait to meet you Charlee Christine.

I can feel her move now all day, everyday.  TJ has yet to feel her, but I think over the next week or two, he will be able to.  My belly is definitely out there now.  I think around the 16 week, it really popped out.  I have some occassional cramps and aches, which I attribute to growing and stretching.  Sometimes I already feel like I'm waddling and I'm only 19 weeks!  Almost half way there.  It is still unbelievable to me sometimes, knowing everything we went through to get here, not knowing if we'd ever get here.  I feel so very blessed to have this experience.  I'm peeing every 10 minutes it feels like and am now sleeping with a pillow between my legs, but I wouldn't change a thing.  Especially knowing now who it is all for...my precious baby girl. 

33 years old and 17 weeks pregnant

When I was a little girl, I thought I'd be married at 22 and having my first baby around 24.  Well, that didn't work out...thank God because at 22, I had no business being a married woman!  I'm glad I had all my 20's to figure out who I was and what I wanted and to experience life with my friends and make my own choices.  When I met TJ at 26, we knew within the first few weeks that we were going to be married someday.  I do believe that when you meet that special someone, you just know.  At least, that's how it happened for me.  So, at 30, I married my soul mate and now at 33, I am pregnant with our first baby.  It's not the timeline I had originally planned, but I know things happen for a reason.  The first few years of marriage are supposed to be the happiest, especially if you start trying for a family.  Unfortunately, that's not how our first few years went.  Although there were happy times and our love remained constant, we were faced with disappointment and sadness.  Maybe God knew that we weren't ready to be parents when we had our miscarriage almost two years ago and for some reason pregnancy wouldn't happen as easily for us as it does most people.  I don't know the real reasons for the last two years, but I do know that it has changed us as people and as a married couple.  It has strengthened us and taught us how to be a team and how to support one another in times of happiness and in times of heartache.  I believe now that God has been preparing us for this baby and for the life ahead.  Looking back now, as I gaze at my growing belly, I wouldn't change a thing.  Maybe that sounds saddistic, but everything we've been through has gotten us to this exact point today and has brought us this miracle, hand picked just for us.

Back to baby...In just 10 days we will find out whether we're having a sweet girl or a sweet boy.  I am hoping this week flies by and the 19th comes very quick!  Everyone asks if I have any ideas.  If I were to listen to the old wives tales and take into account that I've had dreams of my baby and it's always a girl...I'd say girl.  But, I know I can't count on anything being accurate except that ultrasound.  So, I guess we will have to wait!  I haven't really bought anything because I'm not a gender neutral kind of shopper.  So, I can't wait to find out so we can finally start buying things and start tossing around nursery ideas. 

It's amazing how quickly my body has changed.  I swear I can feel my stomach stretching, especially at night.  Sometimes it feels like it's going to pop.  I have cellulite on my ass and upper legs that I catch out of the corner of my eye as I walk by the bathroom mirror.  Then, I have to get the hand held mirror and look closer....BIG MISTAKE!  Not a pretty sight.  I guess I shouldn't worry because my husband is loving my new body and I've been praying for all this for years, so I should be celebrating the cellulite right?  I don't know how anyone could celebrate cottage cheese ass, but I'm trying.  I notice that I'm constantly touching my belly now.  I think it's just natural.  Sometimes, I don't even know I'm doing it.  I guess it's my way of touching and holding baby while it's nestled in there, until it's nestled in my own arms.

15 weeks

So far I've been truly blessed with an easy and comfortable pregnancy.  I had nausea in the beginning and have only been sick once. So, when work started back I thought I'd feel fine.  So, of course on the first day of school at about 8:15, I had to run to my office and puke my brains out in my trash can.  I was in the main office helping with parents and registration, etc...when a wave of nausea came over me and I had to haul ass out of there.  Luckily, I was not with kids or parents and was able to get sick in the privacy of my own office.  I felt fine for the rest of the day and haven't been sick again since.  I guess Baby G was just making sure I hadn't forgotten about him/her.

I had an appointment this week and got to hear hear the heartbeat which was 144 bpm.  I scheduled my  next u/s on Sept. 19 and that's when we will find out the sex.  I am so excited and I hope the next 3 weeks go by super fast.  Of course I'm excited to know the sex, but I'm also excited just to see the baby again.  I keep imagining how that moment will go when the tech says boy or girl and I picture us bursting into tears and laughing with joy.  I can't wait to share that with TJ.

I had another baby dream last night.  I've only had a handful of dreams, but it's always a girl.  I was holding our baby girl and she was wrapped in a blanket.  She was so tiny.  She also had red hair and looked like my niece Addison.  My family keeps joking that we're going to have a red-headed Mexican.  I can't picture having anything besides a dark-eyed, dark-haired baby, but you never know. 

I am still feeling that fluttering feeling in my lower belly.  It happens at least once a day.  The books say that between 15 and 16 weeks, the baby should be able to hear you.  I have to get used to that.  I'm definitely going to put a variety of music on my belly for the baby to listen to.  I want him/her to appreciate all genres of music, so why not start now.  It's never too early to listen to a little Bone or Lil Wayne right? 

A Change of Pace

I've been back to work for two days now and am experiencing something I wasn't sure I would...People congratulating me!  It's funny how word spreads, but my secret is out and I couldn't be prouder.  Most of my colleagues know that I had been struggling to get pregnant, but only a handful know I did IVF.  It's not that I'm ashamed, but it's not something you just come out and say.  If I'm asked or if it comes up, I'll share my story.  It's such a different vibe...being around other pregnant women and not dreading it or walking in on a teacher pumping and not secretly roll my eyes.  I never thought I'd be here, but now that I am it's like I can't believe I ever thought I wouldn't be here. (if that makes sense)

The nausea is mostly gone, but I am getting more frequent headaches.  I can not fit into any of my pants/jeans, so I'm wearing a few maternity things that are too big and don't fit right.  I bought a few capri pants in a bigger size, which fit around the waist but not in the butt or legs.  So, needless to say I am completely in between sizes right now.  I feel like I am way bigger than I'm supposed to be.  At night, my belly looks especially huge!  I look at my tummy in the mirror and am in awe of how my body has already changed shape.  The belly butter is being applied on a daily basis!  TJ loves it and says this is what we've been waiting for. 

It kind of hit me the other day...we are going to be responsible for another human being for the rest of our lives.  In just 6 months or so, we will be changing diapers, feeding, burping, rocking, and holding our baby (among other things).  It's a scary thought, but being parents is something TJ and I always knew we wanted.  I've shared so much with him over the last 6 years and can't wait to share this with him too.  I think he'll be a great dad.

Hello 2nd Trimester...

I have not been keeping up with my blogging or my journaling...shame on me...during one of the most important times in my life.  We've been quite busy lately, traveling to Missouri (TJ's home) and I am trying to get ready to go back to work in a week.  Excuses aside, I should've updated this right after my ultrasound so my feelings and thoughts were fresh, but I'll try my best to recreate the experience.

TJ wasn't able to go with me to the u/s simply bc he's had to ask so much time off lately with the IVF, his car accident, and his uncle's unexpected death. (I have not shared any of that info on this blog, but we've had a lot going on lately)  So, I was eager to share the experience between baby and me.  As soon as it popped up on the screen, I was taken away by the image.  The last time I saw "Baby G" was when I was 6 1/2 weeks and could only see what appeared to be a beating line.  But, wow, what a change.  It looked like an actual baby.  I could see the head and the body and the feet and the arms.  At one point, it actually clapped and crossed its feet.  I couldn't hold the tears back for this one.  It's just so hard to believe that that little thing is actually living inside me right now.  I was sorry that TJ missed it bc I know he would've been touched, but it was a 3 hour appointment full of paperwork, bloodwork, and exams...so it was probably better that he wasn't there.  I liked my new doctor and the appointment went smoothly.  I go back Aug 22 for just a check up, no u/s.  This means I will not be finding out the gender of the baby until 19 or 20 weeks, which seems like a lifetime!  I guess I can wait...impatiently. 

The entire family thinks it's going to be a girl.  I am trying not to feed into this because I want to keep on open mind.  I've had probably a handful of dreams since being pregnant about the baby and it's always a girl in my dreams.  I know this means nothing, but I think it's kind of odd that I've never dreamed of a boy.  We've bought just a couple things for the baby and family members have given us a few things also.  It's still just so hard to believe that I'm finally buying something for "our" baby.  

I'm  13 weeks now and definitely showing.  I think I've gained around 5 lbs.  At least once a day, I get this feeling down in my lower tummy.  It's hard to exlain, but it feels like a tingling or something and it only lasts a few seconds.  My sister says it's way too early to feel anything and it's probably just gas, but I believe I'm feeling something from the baby.  I know what gas feels like and this doesn't feel like gas!  I think I'm feeling the effects of the baby moving around.  I don't know for sure, but I look forward to it everyday.

I still thank God every day for our blessing and granting us this experience.  Everyone keeps saying "enjoy sitting around and doing nothing now bc you won't be doing that once the baby comes or get ready bc your life is going to change etc etc.."  Our responce: "We can't wait!"  


                                        
                                                      2D U/S Side View 10w6d

                                                         

Unexpected Change of Plans...

I was supposed to have my u/s with my OBGYN this past week.  I was excited to meet my new doctor and of course see our baby again.  Unfortunately, I got a call from the office explaining that we can not deliver at the local hospital because they do not take my insurance; therefore, I can not go to that office for my prenatal care either.  I was very upset and disappointed because I was born in that hospital, along with the fact that my sister works in labor and delivery there.  I was comfortable with the idea of having our baby there too.  So, after some research and a referral, I am seeing another doctor in another city and will deliver at a different hospital about 45 minutes from here.  It's a Women's Hospital and I've had friends who have delivered there and loved it.  The only part that scares me is the travel time, but I'm sure everything will be fine.  I believe everything happens for a reason and things always work out for the best.  So, I'm looking forward to meeting this new doctor and getting acquainted with this new office. 

As a result, I have my appointment next Wednesday.  I'll be almost 11 weeks then.  I am so anxious to see what the baby will look like.  The first time we saw it, it was just a straight line flickering away.  I've heard that it will actually look more like a baby.  I am also anxious to know that everything is ok in there.  I haven't had as much nausea as I was in the first few weeks and I actually cooked a hot meal last night for my hubby and was able to eat it.  (hot meals at night have not been appealing)  I feel good and blessed that I feel this good.  NO complaints here!

A few more weeks and I'll be into my 2nd Trimester.  Sometimes, I still can't believe it.  Some days I have a noticeable belly and then some days it looks normal again.  I can fit into most of my clothes still, unless I've eaten a huge meal.  My sister and sister-in-law have given me a bunch of maternity clothes.  It was funny to see TJ's face when I showed him all the pants and shorts with that elastic band around them.  He was like "really, you're going to wear those?" 

I have an app on my phone that tells me what is happening to my body and my baby each week.  Our baby is slightly 2 inches long now and weighs about 1/3 of an ounce.  Hair follicles are growing, along with nail beds.  If it's a girl, ovaries are developing and if it's a boy, testes are developing.  I can't wait to find out what we're having.  There's no way I can wait till February to find out.  I've waited long enough!!  People ask "Do you have a preference?"  Absolutely not.  I want a healthy baby...I know it sounds cliche, but it's totally true!  I have no preference at all and will be elated to have either a little TJ or a mini me.

9 Weeks

Tomorrow I will officially be 9 weeks pregnant.  I'm embracing it more and more each day.  I haven't gone out and bought anything yet, but we're definitely starting to talk about plans and the future.  That's something we haven't been able to do before.  I'm feeling pretty good.  I haven't had as much nausea and my pooch seems to only make an appearance at night.  I miss the gym.  I stopped working out a month before the actual IVF, due to all the meds.  I've been twice in the last few weeks, but only did 30 minutes of light cardio because I'm afraid of doing anything else.  Maybe I'll feel more secure in my 2nd trimester.  Ideally, I'd like to stay in good shape up until I deliver. 

We have our 2nd u/s in a week.  It'll be our first appointment with my regular OB.  I just want to see and hear the heartbeat again, so I know everything is ok in there.  I think my mom is going to come to this one and since I'll be almost 10 weeks, I'm hoping it'll look a litte more like a baby instead of a straight line.  Either way, I just want to know everything is ok and developing normally.  I'm thanking God every night for this gift and praying hard that this will be a healthy pregnancy and a healthy baby. 

Our little peanut

We had our first ultrasound yesterday.  I know the picture is kind of blurry, but that's the best I could do.  We got to see and hear the heartbeat, 139 bpm.  It's measuring 1 cm right now.  It's so crazy that this little thing inside me is just beating away already.  I have to admit, I thought I'd be a lot more emotional than I was.  Don't get me wrong, it was an amazing thing to see and hear, but it is still so unbelievable to me.  I still can't believe it's real and that I'm actually pregnant.  Maybe over the next several weeks and at our next ultrasound, it will become more real. 

It's not that I don't feel like I'm pregnant, because I do.  I have a significant pooch 24/7, along with a little nausea from time to time.  I usually wake up around 7 feeling like I need to eat right away or I'm going to be sick.  Even after I've eaten, I still feel hungry.  I ate my favorite cereal yesterday and it was actually tasting gross to me.  We usually eat chicken several times a week, but I've had no appetite for that.  Now, Chili's Southwestern Egg Rolls...that's a different story!  YUM.  It's just funny how things start to change so quickly.  (I'll be 7 weeks tomorrow)

So far, everything has gone wonderfully.  I couldn't have hoped for a better outcome.  Yesterday, the Dr. said I hit the jackpot...put one in and got one out of it.  It's like putting all your chips on red and hoping for the best.  It's a gamble we took and would take again...in a heartbeat.  :)

Oh...and I'm due FEBRUARY 14.  So, I know who I'll be kissing on Valentines Day! 



6 Weeks

Today, I am officially 6 weeks pregnant.  (hopefully I am doing these calculations correctly)  This is the most pregnant I've ever been!  I definitely feel pregnant.  I still have mild cramping off and on and my tummy feels tight, like I've been working out, but Lord knows I haven't.  I've been too scared to work out.  I went to the gym the other day to walk on the treadmill, but I wouldn't go above a 2.5 speed and was afraid to do anything else.  Maybe after the ultrasound, I will feel better about exercising.  I need to keep up with an exercise routine with the way I've been eating.  I do feel a tad nauseous at times and the only thing that makes me feel better is eating! 

Our ultrasound is in 5 days.  I am very excited and anxious for that day to come.  I am praying and hoping for one beautiful and strong heartbeat.  I opted just to have TJ and I go to this first u/s.  My mom asked if she could come, but for this one, I want TJ and I to experience it alone.  I have another u/s scheduled July 18 with my regular doctor, so I want her to come to that one with us.  By then, she'll be able to see more anyway.  We are going to Missouri in late July to visit TJ's family.  I'll be 11-12 weeks by then, so it's a perfect time to see all his family and celebrate our good news.  I wonder if I'll have a little baby bump by then???

I don't know if I've mentioned this before in my any of my posts, but we did have 3 top grade blastocysts to freeze for the future.  So, technically we have 3 potential babies "on ice".  I have no problem going through a frozen embryo transfer maybe a few years down the road.  I have no idea what the future holds for us.  I've always "planned" on having 2 kids.  I know now that I can't plan the number of my family members.  We have absolutely no control over this aspect of our lives.  What will be, will be.  All I know is that I will never take one moment of this miracle for granted and I am going to spoil this little baby with every ounce of love I have to give.

>3000

My bloodwork came back great.  My beta is over 3000 now.  Sigh of relief.  I am feeling more relieved after each blood test, knowing that my hcg levels are rising nicely.  We made our first u/s appointment for June 26.  It seems so far away.  But, I guess if I can wait nearly 2 years for this, I can handle another week and a half.  Although, I will be anxiously waiting.  I am feeling pretty good.  The only thing I'm "feeling" is cramping off and on, which they say is normal.  I'd imagine it's because there's lots going on in there.  I've been more tired than usual though.  Last night, I was asleep by 8.  I couldn't keep my eyes open any longer.  I'm not sure if that has anything to do with the pregnancy or if I'm just being lazy on my summer vacation??? 

If I'm doing the calculations correctly, I am 5 weeks pregnant.  I miscarried at 5 weeks before, so it's a little scary.  I can tell TJ is apprehensive about getting too excited right now, which I completely understand.  Although I am a little hesitant to whole-heartedly rejoice yet, I also feel like doing cartwheels down the street and announcing our news nationwide.  My aunt, who is very excited for us, almost achieved this by decorating our entire house with balloons and streamers and posters.  Some people may think that's dangerous this early, but I didn't care.  I appreciate her enthusiasm.  I don't know half my neighbors anyway.  Here is a picture of the damage...

I am definitely allowing family and friends around me to get excited too.  That's something that I didn't think I would allow.  When I was pregnant before, my mom had already bought me a few things and I hung onto them for quite some time, until giving them to my niece.  It may sound crazy, but it was very hard to let go of things after our loss.  But, I want to celebrate this new pregnancy and I want people around us to feel they can to.  We've worked so hard for this, so it would be a shame not to.  With that being said, I am uploading a picture of our baby's first Gator Gear.  My sister gave this to me the other day, admitting that it's been in her closet for almost 2 years.  Now, it's finally in my closet, where it belongs. 

 

743

I still don't think it's hit us yet.  I know I'm pregnant and I believe I'm pregnant, but it's still so surreal.  Everything we've done for the last two years has led us to this.  Month after month of Big Fat Negatives.  We kept saying IVF has to work for us, but there was always doubt.  Now, I know that IVF can and did work for us.  We had a busy weekend with my brother coming in town and a friend from Missouri here, so TJ and I haven't really even had a chance to bask in our wonderful news.  I can tell he's thrilled though.  He has said he loves me even more and can't wait to see my belly grow.  He sent me a dozen red roses to work, thanking me for all I've done.  I did go through alot to get here, but so did he.  We got through it together. 

I had another blood test yesterday and my hcg level was 743, which is great.  It's supposed to double every 48 hours.  I go back in a few days for one more blood test.  I would imagine it would be over 1000 by then and we will schedule our first ultrasound. Our first ultrasound!!!

Over the last couple years, I have heard friends talk about what it felt like to see and hear the heartbeat for the first time.  I remember wanting to experience that so badly, but was scared to death that I never would.  Now, I'm so close.  Again...I can't believe it!  I know in my heart now that we will be parents and that this little bean growing inside me is going to become a healthy beautiful baby.  Our first baby! 

132

How do I begin...
The last few days seem surreal.  On Tuesday, I was for sure I was starting my period.  I had all the symptoms.  I had pretty much given up hope.  We decided I would go ahead and test when we got home from work Tuesday night.  Neither one of us could hold out any longer.  I just wanted to see the negative so I could deal with it and move on.  A friend of mine had given me a test to use and since I gave up buying pregnancy tests a long time ago, it was the only one I had available.  And since I was convinced I was getting a negative, I really didn't care what kind of test it was. 

So, when TJ got home from the gym, we were both sick to our stomachs.  I went ahead and took the test and we both were just staring at it, having no idea how to read this stupid thing.  We thought it was positive, but we weren't sure.  Needing some reassurance, we jumped in the car and hauled ass to CVS and bought 2 boxes of digital tests.  I took 2 more tests and what do ya know......

          POSITIVE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

We couldn't believe it.  Of course TJ said he knew all along (which he was extra confident)...but I couldn't believe it.  Finally, I was staring at a positive pregnancy test.  Something I never thought I'd see again.  So, the next morning I took another positive test.  We told our parents, siblings, and a few close friends.  It's hard to keep an IVF pregnancy a secret when all your loved ones know and are waiting in anticipation.  But, at this point, why would I want to keep it a secret.  I've been waiting so long to be able to say those words:  I'M PREGNANT!  And as far as I'm concerned, all the prayers we've been receiving have been heard and I hope they continue throughout our pregnancy because we have a long way to go.

Finally, I went for my bloodwork this morning.  They called this afternoon to tell me I'm definitely pregnant and my beta is 132.  She said they like to see anything around 60-100, so my number looks great right now.  I go back for 2 more blood tests next week and then we will schedule our first ultrasound.  I think it will become real for me when I see and hear a heartbeat.  I didn't make it that far the first time I got pregnant, so getting through the next few weeks is crucial for me.

I am forever thankful and grateful for our family and friends who have supported us throughout our journey.  This has become their journey too.  And to all doctors, nurses, and office staff who have been a part of our life for the last year and who have given us the miracle we are experiencing today. 

Transfer Day!

This is a picture of our perfect little blastocyst.


Today was transfer day.  Of course I couldn't sleep last night.  Too many things swirling around in my head I guess.  The worst part of today was having a full bladder for about an hour.  They told me to start drinking water when I was 20 minutes away from the office, along with taking my valium.  I could already feel the valium kicking in as I was getting out of the car.  I felt gooood!  Considering I haven't had any alcohol intake in about a month, I was enjoying the effects of the pill :)  Anyway, we went back to a dark room with the doctor, the embryologist, and the sonographer.  She put the ultra sound thingy on my stomach, which was not pleasant against my full bladder, but was necessary.  It was really cool because we could watch the whole process on the monitor.  We could see the catheter that was placed in my uterus and when the embryo was transferred through the catheter, I could see a small white flash go in.  I fought back tears because it's such an amazing thing.

Just like that, it was over.  It took about a total of 5 minutes.  Now all that blast has to do is stick!  Stick little bean stick! 

It's so hard not to get excited.  It seems like everything went perfectly.  Even our embryo was perfect and we still have at least one to freeze.  Ahead of us is probably the longest part...waiting for the pregnancy test.  My scheduled blood test isn't until June 7.  Whether I will test on my own before that, I don't know.  It'll be hard not to, but when you've had so many negative pregnancy tests, it's hard to believe you'll ever have a positive one.  I want to hold on to the hope as long as possible.  So, taking an early test may just be something I decide to do spontaneously or something I don't do at all.  I'll have to see how I feel over the next week or so. 

In the meantime, I'm being a total lazy butt.  I've been laying in bed all day, afraid to move.  I have tomorrow off too, so I will continue to relax tomorrow as well and I don't know if it's the progesterone or just me, but I've been eating like crazy!  I go back to work the following day, which will probably be what I need to keep my mind off this.  Before we left today, the nurse told me to relax and stay positive over the next several days...much easier said than done!

Completely Overwhelmed

We've had two consecutive days of good news.  Yesterday, they called to tell us that out of the 7 eggs, 6 were mature and 5 fertilized.  I was very happy to hear that.  She said they would call to tell us how they were growing tomorrow (today).  So, I just got the call and she said all 5 embryos are growing and they are all within the top 2 grade, so we are going to a day 5 transfer.  I had myself convinced that we would do a day 3 transfer, so I am beyond happy! 

I can't explain the array of emotions I am feeling.  As soon as I see that number on my phone, I immediately start trembling.  Heart pounding.  Waiting to hear how our embryos are growing or if they're not.  After hearing the news, both days, I just wanted to fall to the ground and burst into tears.  Tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of fear...so many emotions intertwined.

But, mostly tears of joy.  I had hoped and prayed to respond to the meds, to retrieve enough eggs, for the eggs to fertilize, and to go to a day 5 transfer.  So, far this has all happened for us.  Thank God.  You can't help but feel like this is it.  This is going to work for us.  In just a few weeks, or less, I could find out that I am pregnant.  Something that I've been waiting for what seems like an eternity.  I have a new emotion that I have not had in a very long time...HOPE.

Lucky #7

I slept pretty well last night, considering what I was waking up to today...retrieval day!  I started to get nervous as we were sitting in the lobby at 6:45 this morning, empty stomach and cotton mouthed.  They called us back within minutes and I was dressing into my designer gown and cap by 7:15.  Thankfully our nurse was really nice and kept us laughing the whole time.  He asked if I was nervous because my blood pressure was 150!  "yes I am nervous!"  I began to relax after he gave me my IV and we talked to the doctor doing the aspiration.  TJ and I kissed and we were off our separate ways; me to the surgery room and him to the "do his business" room.  I was escorted back by the nurse, but couldn't see a thing because they had TJ take my glasses.  So, basically a monkey could've been doing my retrieval and I wouldn't have known the difference.  With some help, I got up on the table, they strapped my arms down, I looked up at all the bright lights, and that's all I remember.

I woke up in recovery to our likeable nurse who told me they retrieved 7 eggs, which I was happy with.  TJ joined me just a few minutes later.  Fortunately, I felt good.  I had no initial pain, no nausea.  I felt good.  Thank God.  We were on our way home by 9.  All in all, I couldn't have been more pleased with my experience.

The only thing that is bothering me now is that as the Dr. was telling TJ she retrieved 7 eggs, while I was in recovery, she also informed him that if 5 or less eggs fertilize, they automatically do a 3 day transfer.  Now that has never been explained to us and I'm not exactly sure why that would be protocol.  I guess I have to wait until tomorrow when we find out fertilization results.  In addition, we had firmly decided that we would only implant one embryo if we went to a day 5 transfer.  We were told by our Dr. that if we went to a day 3 transfer, they would automatically implant two.  So, now after getting comfortable with the idea of just one, we may actually end up putting in two depending on fertilization.  So, tomorrow will be spent staring at my phone until I see that familiar number pop up on the screen and even then I probably won't want to answer it for fear of what they may tell me. 

I'm hoping that at least 4 fertilize.  I think this is a reasonable and realistic hope.  I know from previous specimens that TJ has lots of strong swimmers. :)  7/7 would be fantastic, but I'm not betting on that happening.  It's crazy and amazing to think our little babies are (hopefully) being conceived right now. 

We made it through the physically hard part:  the shots, the appointments, the bloodwork, and the retrieval.  Now it's the mentally hard part:  fertilization, implantation, and of course the pregnancy test.  Will we become pregnant or will this all have been for nothing.  Only time will tell.

3 Reasons to Celebrate...

First celebration:  I can trigger tonight (hcg shot). Second celebration: my egg retrieval will be Thursday morning...AAAHHH!!!  I can't believe it.  I was getting a little discouraged because I went for an u/s yesterday and wasn't ready yet, which meant another night of meds.  I had to go back this morning for another u/s and more bloodwork.  Finally, they called me to say I was ready.  I don't know if my arms could take any more bloodwork!  They told me I have 7 mature follicles and 1 that is almost there.  Whether or not it will mature by Thursday, we don't know.  They also told me that I could get more than that or less...we won't know until the retrieval. 

We've waited so long for this day to come.  I am ready, but terribly nervous.  I'll probably have lots of anxiety Thursday morning while they prep me for surgery.  I've only had surgery once before and that was to clear my tubes.  (which obviously didn't work)  I just want to get through this and then mentally prepare myself for the next stage...fertilization and embryo development.

Being that the retrieval is on Thursday, our transfer could fall on Sunday or Tuesday next week.  It all depends on the embryos.  

Another celebration...no more shots after tonight.  Although I somewhat got used to doing them because they became a part of my nightly routine promptly at 6:30...I'm glad that part is over! 

                                   

Waiting and Wishing...

I had my 3rd ultrasound and bloodwork this morning.  Good news...they've grown!  I have 1 follicle at 17 mm and 4 at 15 mm, 1 at 13 and 1 at 12.  My estrogen doubled from Friday, from 600 to 1300.  They monitor this level too, along with follicle growth.  They still don't think I'll be ready to trigger by tomorrow night.  We'll have to wait and see what the u/s shows tomorrow morning and then wait for bloodwork results.  (yes, another u/s and more bloodwork) Although I am so anxious for them to tell me I'm ready, I trust that they know the exact right time to trigger.  I don't want to trigger too early because the follicles may not be mature and I'm hoping that some of those smaller ones may grow within the next few days.  If it's not tomorrow night, it'll definitely be by Tuesday night. 

I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed in only having 7 measurable follicles.  I thought I'd have more considering I produced over half of that just on clomid for my IUI's.  On the other hand, I'm thankful I don't have over 20 because high numbers increase the risk of OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome).

I can only hope that all 7 are mature by the retrieval and all 7 have an egg.  I know it only takes one, but we'd like a little "wiggle" room.  If we have more embryos that we are not implanting at this time and are of good quality, we will freeze them for a later cycle.  Right now I can't even think of this not working and facing another cycle.  Of course a frozen cycle doesn't entail all the same drugs and costs as a fresh cycle, but with it too, comes the stress and the worry. 

So, right now we're waiting for what comes next.  Seems like that's all we've been doing for two years...WAITING.

I had my second u/s and bloodwork yesterday.  I only have 3 or 4 follicles of 13 mm in size and the rest are still under 12 mm.  They need to be between 16 and 18 mm in order to do my trigger shot.  Apparently they grow 1-2 mm in size per day.  The lady I spoke to yesterday doesn't think I'll be ready by Sunday to trigger, which is what they had predicted for me.  So, I go back in for another u/s and bloodwork tomorrow (Sunday) and see if they've grown.  The only down side to not being on schedule is MORE MEDS!  I may have to be on more medicine for a few more days than anticipated.  Right now I have enough meds to get me through Sunday night, so the office is "loaning" me 2 more days of meds if needed.  Of course I have to pay for what I use.  I will say that the office has been very helpful with the medication.  They provided me with 1 gonal-f pen (which can run up to $250) and enough progesterone to last me a few weeks.  I start progesterone after the Egg Retrieval up until my pregnany test.  If I am pregnant, I will have to continue the progesterone for up to several weeks.  At least it's a gel and not the huge intramuscular needle they used to use. 

Something tells me that we will probably be ready by Monday to trigger and will end up doing the actual retrieval on Wednesday, May 23.  Of course that's my husband's birthday.  You can look at this scenario two ways:  What an awesome way to spend your birthday...watching your wife go under for surgery and then having to **** off into a cup  OR  Your first child is conceived on your birthday.  Of course I'm going with the second choice.  I know my husband will only have one wish for his birthday and I hope to God I can give it to him.

We will know more tomorrow after our appointment.  I am hoping the follies have grown exponentially since yesterday because I am ready for this part to be over.  Of course after the retrieval is probably the hardest part because you find out how many eggs they actually retrieved, how many fertilized, and then how they are growing.  More mental stress to come... 

I had my ultrasound and bloodwork this morning to see how many follicles are growing.  She (the sonographer) counted 14 follicles, 8 in my left ovary and 6 in my right.  My estrogen levels looked good, so I am going to continue with the same dose of medication and go back for another ultrasound Friday to see the size of the follicles.  They were all too small today to measure.  From what I can tell, things are right on track.  I've also read that just because I have 14 now doesn't mean I'll have 14 a few days from now.  I could have more or less, depending on how they grow.  I'm thinking my actual Egg Retrieval will be either Monday or Tuesday next week.

As for how I'm feeling, the last 3 days have been surprisingly good.  After getting through the first couple of days, the back pain is gone and I'm only experiencing some mild cramping.  I'm happy to be feeling good, but am afraid that this is just the calm before the storm.  My doctor told me I would feel the worst after the egg retrieval.  I have to think that's because of all the meds being pumped into me and the needle aspirating each follicle in my ovaries...OUCH.  Good thing I will be out for that.  I was prescribed Tylenol 3 too, but I'm not sure I'll take it considering it can cause constipation.  On top of everything else, I don't want to be dealing with that too.  I will; however, take the Valium they have prescribed me for the Embryo Transfer.  They give you this to relax your uterus, so I am all about reeping the benefits of that pill, even if it's only for a few hours.

All in all, things are going well.  My tummy is getting sore and I've developed a few bruises, but nothing unbearable.  I'm half way through the process and feeling positive.  

In one of my recent posts, I expressed how thankful I was for these doctors and the medical advances in infertility.  But, I forgot to mention how thankful I am for all the people in my life who have supported me from day 1.  We have amazing family and friends who are all hoping and praying for us and without this support system, I know the last 2 years would have been so much harder for us.  I know lots of people are praying and I'm praying too...hoping these prayers will finally be answered.

Stimulating..

A few days ago, I was feeling "fine".  Can't say the same today.  I started stim drugs on Friday and almost immediately felt different.  I couldn't sleep that night, my lower back was aching, and I had some uncomfortable cramping in both sides.  I was a little concerned because I didn't think I would react to the medication that quick.  I thought "what if something is wrong?"  But I guess when you're injecting 3 different medications into your body at once, you are bound to "feel it" pretty quickly.  I know this sounds crazy, but it's like I can feel my ovaries.  I have a constant weight in my tummy, on both sides and an aching all through my lower back, not to mention the noticeable pudge that has resided on my stomach.  I'm not in pain, just very uncomfortable!  Oh, and have I mentioned that I'm highly EMOTIONAL!!!

I fought back tears in church today when I saw a handicapped boy go down the aisles, happily shaking everyone's hands.  I cried during my niece's dance recital today when a group of beautiful little girls appeared on stage and danced to a song about mommies.  I sobbed at the end of a romantic comedy last night when Anne Hathaway got hit by a bus.  I even started to cry as Flea from The Red Hot Chili Peppers proclaimed his love for music during the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame Induction...Yes, I'd say my hormones are slightly altered at the moment.

Here I was worried about getting through the three injections, which by the way, are starting to get really freaking annoying.  Now, I'm just worried about how much worse I'm going to feel tomorrow.  I just have to make it another week or so.  I can do this...but I may need to carry around a box of Kleenex from this point on.   

We have another U/S and bloodwork on Wednesday.  This is when we will see how my follicles are growing.  Grow follies grow!

Just "Poking" Along...

So, this marks my 10th day on Lupron.  I haven't had any severe side effects, just some hot flashes and the occassional emotional outburst.  Although I'm thinking that's just me and has nothing to do with the medicine.   But, what can you expect when I watch a Mother's Day commercial (compliments of Publix) with a pregnant woman and her daughter talking to her belly about what a wonderful mother she is...part of me gags and the other part, of course, wishes that were me.

Other than that, I feel fine.  I have my first u/s and bloodwork tomorrow morning to make sure the Lupron and birth control did their jobs.  If all is right, then I start my stimulation meds tomorrow night.  I'm a little nervous about going from my one little needle, to 3 injections.  I have to actually mix one of medications that comes in a powder form.  Hopefully, the directions are detailed enough and I remember what they taught me in class.  The other is a pen, which is the one I'm really nervous about.  It seems like I'll have to use more force with that one since it's the size of a real pen, only thicker!

Hopefully, I'll be feeling "fine" a week from now...but I'm prepared to have side effects with this next round of medication.  I've been told I'll feel bloated and gain some weight...just another perk...to feel pregnant without actually being pregnant! 

Side effects or no side effects, I'm doing this and would probably do it again.  I am so thankful for medical advances and Reproductive Medicine/Doctors who have devoted their lives to give women like me hope for our little miracles.

Let the Madness Begin..

On Tuesday morning, I had my "shot" class at RMG (Reproductive Medicine Group).  Our coordinator taught us how to administer the shots, either in our bellies or our legs, and gave us our Calendar.  The Calendar tells what meds to take, when to start stimulation meds, how much, and predicts when our ER and ET will be.  I am scheduled to start stimulation on May 11.  That's when I will be taking Lupron, Gonal-F, and Menopur.  Yes, 3 injections each night for about 9-14 days.  I have to say...I have completely surprised myself at how well I am doing with the injections so far.  I know it's only been a total of 5 injections, but I am such a wimp when it comes to needles and anything "medical".  I thought it would be really hard for me to poke myself, but it was actually quite easy and painless...this may change in about 8 days.  We shall see...but I think I'm entitled to a little pat on the back regardless.

They've estimated my ER to fall on May 22 and my ET would be either 3 or 5 days later.  Of course this could change by a few days.  It all depends on how I respond to the stimulation meds.  Sometimes I still can't believe this is happening to us.  Am I really doing this???  I used to drive myself crazy wondering "why us?", but there's really no point in that.  I've cried myself to sleep so many times, there's no way to keep count.  We will never truly know the reason why we have had to go down this path of heartache, grief, sadness, and frustration.  I can only believe that something big and better lies ahead and God has been preparing us for that.  We are stronger than ever in our marriage and possibly the strongest we've ever been as individuals.  I can also find solace in knowing that we are not alone.  I know there are other couples out there fighting this uphill battle who share the same thoughts and emotions.

On a lighter note...I am looking forward to the next few weeks and am so ready for all this to be over and to be in my 2WW (that's 2 week wait for those of you who have no idea what my acronyms stand for)  But that'll be a whole other story!

A Very Important Package Arrived...

All my IVF meds came yesterday.  I poured them all out on the counter and counted every single syringe and needle.  Despite the picture, I will describe the array of drugs.  Let's see...there is a total of 64 needles/syringes, 2 Gonal-F Pens (injectibles) and 1 Ovidrel Injectible.  I will be using the needles to inject Lupron and Menopur.  The others are pre-filled.  I've done the Ovidrel twice before with my 2 IUI's, so at least I know what to expect with that one.  I have to admit that I was surprised at my reaction to seeing all the meds.  I thought for sure that seeing them would be overwhelming for me, but I felt quite indifferent.  Maybe it hasn't hit me yet. 

I start my first Lupron shot on Tuesday, May 1, which is just a few days away.  I am attending a class that morning where I will receive my medication calendar and practice on how to give myself the shots.  I am planning on doing them myself, although I've already enlisted the help of my sister to assist with the first one...just incase I chicken out.  I think it will probably hit me on Tuesday as I'm in the class, injecting an orange...knowing that the orange will be my abdomen by nightfall.

I'm glad I have acupuncture scheduled that afternoon, so I can relax for that hour and hopefully clear my head.  I have been doing acupuncture once a week for about a month now.  I will continue it through treatment.  I have done lots of research that supports IVF and acupuncture, although my doctor says there's no "real" research that it increases success rates.  I also took the advice from someone who had a successful IVF(twins) and did acupuncture too.  At this point, I'll try anything to increase my chances of this working.  Lord knows I've tried everything over the last two years to get pregnant...baby aspirin, Pre-Seed, Evening Primrose Oil, Fertility Beads, Zinc, legs in the air...I could go on.  My point is, even if there's a small chance it may help, I'm doing it.  Plus...it is soooo relaxing and I need all the relaxation I can get right now.

I have to give props to my husband who has been wonderful through all of this.  He tells me all the time how strong I am and how he will be here for me every step of the way.  He even wants to give me my shots, but I told him no.  Partly because I don't trust him with a needle and partly because I want to conquer this myself.  I feel like if I can get through this, I can get through anything.  And with what may lie ahead, I need to know that I can.

It's Official

I start birth control today.  Ironic, huh?...I'm trying to get pregnant and I'm taking birth control.  It's the first part of the process.  I will be on the pill for 21 days and will start my first injectible of Lupron on May 1.  Right around the corner.  I can't believe it.  I never thought I'd be excited about needles and bloodwork.  I've always been such a wimp when it came to having blood drawn, basically passing out every time.  Not anymore! I guess you become a pro once you've been poked enough.

I was told that my ER(egg retrieval) and ET(embryo transfer) will fall between May 20-29, depending on how I am responding to the meds.  It's crazy to think that I will technically be pregnant in just 6 weeks.  All it has to do is stick!  I've waited so long for this and although it's exciting, it's also very scary to know that my wait may not be over.  It's completely out of my hands and that's probably the most frustrating part.  To want something so bad and have no control over it.  It's the first time in my life that I have experienced this.  All I am hoping for, at this point, is that I respond well to the meds, they retrieve enough eggs, and that a good amount fertilizes.  I also hope for a day 5 transfer, when the embryo will be a blastocyte and has a higher chance of sticking.  Lots to hope for!

On my way...

I had another appointment on Monday for my mock transfer, consent signings, and of course check writing!  The mock transfer is basically just to measure the uterus and to make sure the actual transfer will go smoothly.  It was quick and painless (thankfully).  We had to sign a packet of consent papers...TJ and I haven't signed that many forms together since the closing of our home!  The only part that was troubling for me was making the decision to implant one or two embryos.  Because of my age, our Dr. highly recommends single embryo transfer if the embryo is top grade.  If we do not have one great looking embryo, we will implant two.  Although I'm still thinking of doing two regardless.  Then, I got to write four separate checks totaling several thousand dollars..that was the fun part!  The lady in the office also told me that I would be paying separate for all my u/s and bloodwork, which I will be doing a lot of once I start my stimulation meds.  Speaking of meds...I haven't paid for those yet either.  I'm anticipating that they will total somewhere around $3000.  It's definitely stressful to think of the money we are spending.  When my doctor asked me if I had any questions or anything I am worried about...all I could say was "YES, I'm worried it won't work!"  That's the truth!  I am not worried about injecting myself with needles for a month straight.  I am not worried about what this will do to me physically.  I am worried that all this time and all this money will be for nothing.  What if it doesn't work?  I know I have to try to be positive, but I also know that I have to be realistic.  And the reality is...it may not work, but there's about a 60% chance it will.  So, hopefully, with that 60% and a lot of prayers...we will get our baby! 

A day of ups and downs...

I started the day feeling excited.  I went to my Fertility Doctor this morning for my yearly exam.  He told me all my preliminary bloodwork for IVF came back great and TJ had an "outstanding" analysis.  They make you go through all kinds of tests before starting IVF, even though we just had these tests done 9 months ago.  Poor TJ has been in "that" room so many times, he has become great friends with the office staff.  Thank God I have a husband who is willing to go through all this and he does it with a smile on his face.  I can't help but feel that if it weren't for me, TJ would already be a daddy by now.  Everything about the two of us is perfect, except this one damn tube of mine!

Back to my day...As the afternoon progressed, my feelings of excitement dwindled.  My girlfriend at work, who I have bonded with over the last year due to our "infertility issues" is pregnant.  She did IUI (Insemination) the same month as me in February and (fortunately) it worked for her.  She is now almost 12 weeks and already showing a little baby bump.  People at work are now finding out and congratulating her.  I have to admit, it's hard to hear. I can already feel our relationship changing because the one thing we had in common is now gone.  She is happily expecting...and I can't help but think...that should be me too.  I should be proudly displaying a baby bump, but instead I'm gearing up for the biggest risk of my life.  I am calling it a risk because that's what it is.  It is a huge financial, emotional, and physical risk.  But, I know that if we get a baby or babies out of this, every second of the last 2 years will have been worth it.  I don't want people to think that I am not happy for expecting mothers.  That is not the case.  I am happy for them and thankful that they are not experiencing this hell.  It's just hard to see so many women able to get what I want so badly, but is completely out of my control.

Truth be told, despite those dwindling feelings I had today and have many other days too, I am extremely excited.  I am ready to begin this new journey.  I am hopeful that this will work for us considering it bypasses the tubes, but I am also remaining realistic because there is that chance that it may not work.  I have my consent signing and mock transfer on Monday, Apr 2.  This is where I will sign all my consent forms for treatment, write all the checks, and he will perform a "practice run" of the embryo transfer.  He has told me it shouldn't be painful, so I'm not nervous about that.  I think I'll be more nervous about writing the checks! 

The Reason for Blogging...

March 28, 2012

As I face the reality of IVF(In Vitro Fertilization) in my very near future, I am compelled to document my journey.  Although I have been journaling for many years on paper, I have not shared my deepest thoughts, desires, and fears outloud.  I have been told that starting a blog would be therapeutic for me.  So, maybe I should have started this a long time ago. 

Some Background...
July 2010:  My husband, TJ and I start "purposely" trying to have a baby.  Being surrounded by friends and family who all had gotten pregnant quite easily, I thought it would be a piece of cake for us.  My cycle had always been regular, never had any major health issues...I thought "I'll be pregnant in no time."  Well, five months later, on November 22, 2010, I found out I was pregnant.  I was totally shocked and elated!  TJ and I were thrilled.  I called my GYN and made my 6 wk appointment. Never once did I even think anything bad would happen.  Unfortunately on Saturday, December 4, I miscarried.  I was only 5 weeks pregnant, so it may not sound like it should have been that big of a deal or that it shouldn't have effected me so significantly.  But the truth of the matter is, miscarriage is a loss no matter when it happens or how it happens.  Imagine going from your highest high to your lowest low, without reason or explanation.  It took me a solid 10 months just to throw away the pregnancy test.  I used to pull it out of my drawer and look at it, wondering if I'd ever see that line again...

To top things off, my sister found out she was pregnant (we were a week apart) with her third.  (She was not the only person I knew expecting.  Let's see...1 of my best friends just had her baby, 2 friends were pregnant, and 6 women at work were all pregnant.)  This should have been a joyful time, but instead was tainted for my sister and I because I couldn't help but resent her for having a healthy pregnancy, while I had lost mine.  I'll admit, I was not a participant in her pregnancy.  I did not ask her questions.  I couldn't even look at her growing belly.  I can remember sitting in her 3D ultrasound, which I forced myself to go to thinking I could get through it.  BIG MISTAKE.  I sat in the back of the dark room by myself, away from the rest of the family who were sitting on a couch waiting for the screen to pop up.  As soon as I saw the profile of the baby, I lost it.  I cried in silence the entire ultrasound.  I sobbed all the way home that day, alone in my car.  Later on, these events would cause some problems between my sister and myself, but on August 5 my niece, Addison Marie was born and I was there to witness it all.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be in the room for the birth, but when the time came, I knew I didn't want to be anywhere else.  Now, my sister is one of my biggest supporters and my biggest cheerleader.


I could go on and on about the last 21 months of my "infertile" life, but I don't think I would know where to stop.  The point is that my life has been consumed with trying to get pregnant.  It's all I think about and sometimes all I talk about.  Timing everything, taking temps, peeing on sticks, and of course the fertility clinic...bloodwork, ultrasounds, Dye tests, more bloodwork, laparoscopic surgery for my blocked tubes, Inseminations, more bloodwork, and now IVF.  Our last hope to have our little miracle.  So, this blog's main purpose is for me to have a voice and for my readers to have a better understanding of what so many couples are going through.