The Reason for Blogging...

March 28, 2012

As I face the reality of IVF(In Vitro Fertilization) in my very near future, I am compelled to document my journey.  Although I have been journaling for many years on paper, I have not shared my deepest thoughts, desires, and fears outloud.  I have been told that starting a blog would be therapeutic for me.  So, maybe I should have started this a long time ago. 

Some Background...
July 2010:  My husband, TJ and I start "purposely" trying to have a baby.  Being surrounded by friends and family who all had gotten pregnant quite easily, I thought it would be a piece of cake for us.  My cycle had always been regular, never had any major health issues...I thought "I'll be pregnant in no time."  Well, five months later, on November 22, 2010, I found out I was pregnant.  I was totally shocked and elated!  TJ and I were thrilled.  I called my GYN and made my 6 wk appointment. Never once did I even think anything bad would happen.  Unfortunately on Saturday, December 4, I miscarried.  I was only 5 weeks pregnant, so it may not sound like it should have been that big of a deal or that it shouldn't have effected me so significantly.  But the truth of the matter is, miscarriage is a loss no matter when it happens or how it happens.  Imagine going from your highest high to your lowest low, without reason or explanation.  It took me a solid 10 months just to throw away the pregnancy test.  I used to pull it out of my drawer and look at it, wondering if I'd ever see that line again...

To top things off, my sister found out she was pregnant (we were a week apart) with her third.  (She was not the only person I knew expecting.  Let's see...1 of my best friends just had her baby, 2 friends were pregnant, and 6 women at work were all pregnant.)  This should have been a joyful time, but instead was tainted for my sister and I because I couldn't help but resent her for having a healthy pregnancy, while I had lost mine.  I'll admit, I was not a participant in her pregnancy.  I did not ask her questions.  I couldn't even look at her growing belly.  I can remember sitting in her 3D ultrasound, which I forced myself to go to thinking I could get through it.  BIG MISTAKE.  I sat in the back of the dark room by myself, away from the rest of the family who were sitting on a couch waiting for the screen to pop up.  As soon as I saw the profile of the baby, I lost it.  I cried in silence the entire ultrasound.  I sobbed all the way home that day, alone in my car.  Later on, these events would cause some problems between my sister and myself, but on August 5 my niece, Addison Marie was born and I was there to witness it all.  I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be in the room for the birth, but when the time came, I knew I didn't want to be anywhere else.  Now, my sister is one of my biggest supporters and my biggest cheerleader.


I could go on and on about the last 21 months of my "infertile" life, but I don't think I would know where to stop.  The point is that my life has been consumed with trying to get pregnant.  It's all I think about and sometimes all I talk about.  Timing everything, taking temps, peeing on sticks, and of course the fertility clinic...bloodwork, ultrasounds, Dye tests, more bloodwork, laparoscopic surgery for my blocked tubes, Inseminations, more bloodwork, and now IVF.  Our last hope to have our little miracle.  So, this blog's main purpose is for me to have a voice and for my readers to have a better understanding of what so many couples are going through.