A day of ups and downs...

I started the day feeling excited.  I went to my Fertility Doctor this morning for my yearly exam.  He told me all my preliminary bloodwork for IVF came back great and TJ had an "outstanding" analysis.  They make you go through all kinds of tests before starting IVF, even though we just had these tests done 9 months ago.  Poor TJ has been in "that" room so many times, he has become great friends with the office staff.  Thank God I have a husband who is willing to go through all this and he does it with a smile on his face.  I can't help but feel that if it weren't for me, TJ would already be a daddy by now.  Everything about the two of us is perfect, except this one damn tube of mine!

Back to my day...As the afternoon progressed, my feelings of excitement dwindled.  My girlfriend at work, who I have bonded with over the last year due to our "infertility issues" is pregnant.  She did IUI (Insemination) the same month as me in February and (fortunately) it worked for her.  She is now almost 12 weeks and already showing a little baby bump.  People at work are now finding out and congratulating her.  I have to admit, it's hard to hear. I can already feel our relationship changing because the one thing we had in common is now gone.  She is happily expecting...and I can't help but think...that should be me too.  I should be proudly displaying a baby bump, but instead I'm gearing up for the biggest risk of my life.  I am calling it a risk because that's what it is.  It is a huge financial, emotional, and physical risk.  But, I know that if we get a baby or babies out of this, every second of the last 2 years will have been worth it.  I don't want people to think that I am not happy for expecting mothers.  That is not the case.  I am happy for them and thankful that they are not experiencing this hell.  It's just hard to see so many women able to get what I want so badly, but is completely out of my control.

Truth be told, despite those dwindling feelings I had today and have many other days too, I am extremely excited.  I am ready to begin this new journey.  I am hopeful that this will work for us considering it bypasses the tubes, but I am also remaining realistic because there is that chance that it may not work.  I have my consent signing and mock transfer on Monday, Apr 2.  This is where I will sign all my consent forms for treatment, write all the checks, and he will perform a "practice run" of the embryo transfer.  He has told me it shouldn't be painful, so I'm not nervous about that.  I think I'll be more nervous about writing the checks!