Twenty weeks down and twenty to go...give or take. When we went for our u/s, she was measuring a week ahead, so maybe that'll mean I won't make it to Feb. 14. Who knows...maybe I'll go past my due date. It would be pretty special to have her born on Valentines Day though. I always get "awww" when I tell people my due date. February seems so far away, but the first 5 months went by pretty quickly, so I'm sure the next 5 will fly by too. Actually, it seems that the last 2 1/2 years are a blur, despite everything we went through to get here.
Speaking of the last couple years...I never thought in a million years that I would end up having trouble getting pregnant. (I've said this before) I don't think anyone grows up thinking that. But, the reality is that it happens to many couples. It is more common than people realize because it is not talked about openly. People want to share their happy stories of getting pregnant after 2 months or trying for their 3rd or 4th. These people will never know the pain and heartache that comes with infertility. I, on the other hand, will never forget the darkness and the doubt that I faced for what seemed like forever. Although, I am sitting here truly blessed with a miracle and can touch my growing belly as a reminder that I really am pregnant, I know that without modern medicine I would probably not have a chance to carry a child. I think the best thing I ever did was "come out" about my struggles. After having so many colleagues ask me about having a baby, I couldn't take it anymore without punching someone in the face. So, when I had my surgery to unblock my tubes, I had my principal explain to the staff what was going on with me. After that...no one asked about me having babies. Instead, they said they were praying for us and hoping for the best. What more could I have asked for besides prayers. And I believe they were heard and answered.
Shortly after coming out at work, I had a "friend" confide in me that he and his wife were struggling with infertility also and had been for years. We became close and became a support system for eachother as we both faced IVF. I know that if I had never told the staff, he would've never opened up to me and we both would've continued going through fertility treatments in silence. I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I am happy that I did not suffer in silence. My family knew, my friends knew, and my co-workers knew and in turn, I had a strong support system and became almost proud of what TJ and I have survived. I know it has made us a better couple and it has made me a stronger person. It has also made me and everyone around me aware of infertility and empathetic to every person I know experiencing it and everyone I saw walk through those doors at the fertility clinic. I also know that there are worse things that can happen in life, but when you want a baby so bad and cannot have one, it does become the worst possible thing that can happen to you.
At the end of the day, I went through what seemed like the worst possible thing to ever happen to me to the best possible thing that has ever happened to me. I am proof that there is hope, when things seem hopeless. I have been hopeless and am now full of new hopes, not only for her, but for our whole family. I hope that when my daughter is old enough, that she will one day understand just how much she means to us and how long we waited to meet her and what a true miracle she really is.
I thought it would take forever for Sept. 19 to get here. This was our scheduled u/s appointment and the day we could find out what we were having. I guess it wasn't until about 12 weeks that I started to feel that it was a girl tumbling around in my belly. I think the fact that all of TJ's family telling me it would be a girl probably got me thinking that way. But, all my dreams have always been of me holding a baby girl...never a boy. I just had a strong feeling that it was a girl. I honestly was going to be shocked if they told me boy...not disappointed, just shocked.
My dad surprised me and came to the u/s. They called us back at 1:30 on the dot..thank God for no waiting. I was already anxious enough. I felt like I was going to poop my pants! It was my first tummy u/s too and the sonographer did a lot of measurements and checking anatomy before we could take a peek between the legs. She counted...2 hands, 2 feet, 2 arms, 2 legs, measured the head, checked the nose and lips...sometimes we could make out the body parts and other times we were like..wtf is that??? It took her a little bit to measure because this baby was super active and wouldn't stay still. The sonographer even said that I wasn't lying when I've said I feel the baby moving. Finally, it was time to see if it was a boy or a girl. Right away, she got the perfect view and froze the frame, pointing out there were not boy parts so it was definitely A GIRL!!!!!! All I could think to myself was I knew it. I felt it. I cried and had a permanent smile on my face for the rest of the day. I think TJ got a little more scared knowing that he's going to have a little girl to take care of for the rest of his life, along with me. And if she does half the stuff we've done...we are in big trouble!!!
It's an amazing, yet terrifying feeling, knowing that you are going to be a parent. I'm already thinking of the things I will teach her, the things I want her exposed to and the things I don't. It's crazy because you can try to mold this person into what you want her to be or what you never were. I want the absolute best for her already. I love knowing that she's a girl and I can call her by her name and not "it". Speaking of the name...we struggled with the girl name. We've had our boy name picked out for years, but the girl we couldn't get. Originally, I liked the name Bryn, but it just wasn't sticking with me like our boy name always has. We went through a name book of 50,000 plus names and still had no luck. We tossed around a few, but again nothing stuck until we were in Missouri in August for vacation. Someone mentioned Charlie...TJ's dad's name. We thought about it and both really started liking it. So, ever since...the name stuck. Of course we've had doubts about it because it is usually a boy's name, but when we thought of the meaning and the fact that she will carry on her grandpa's full name put to rest our fears. I think she will be proud to know that she is named after her grandfather, a strong and hard-working man. We've changed the spelling to feminize the name a little and her middle name is after my Aunt Tina. We also have Charlie on the Symmes' side too, so the name couldn't be more perfect...
We can't wait to meet you Charlee Christine.
I can feel her move now all day, everyday. TJ has yet to feel her, but I think over the next week or two, he will be able to. My belly is definitely out there now. I think around the 16 week, it really popped out. I have some occassional cramps and aches, which I attribute to growing and stretching. Sometimes I already feel like I'm waddling and I'm only 19 weeks! Almost half way there. It is still unbelievable to me sometimes, knowing everything we went through to get here, not knowing if we'd ever get here. I feel so very blessed to have this experience. I'm peeing every 10 minutes it feels like and am now sleeping with a pillow between my legs, but I wouldn't change a thing. Especially knowing now who it is all for...my precious baby girl.
When I was a little girl, I thought I'd be married at 22 and having my first baby around 24. Well, that didn't work out...thank God because at 22, I had no business being a married woman! I'm glad I had all my 20's to figure out who I was and what I wanted and to experience life with my friends and make my own choices. When I met TJ at 26, we knew within the first few weeks that we were going to be married someday. I do believe that when you meet that special someone, you just know. At least, that's how it happened for me. So, at 30, I married my soul mate and now at 33, I am pregnant with our first baby. It's not the timeline I had originally planned, but I know things happen for a reason. The first few years of marriage are supposed to be the happiest, especially if you start trying for a family. Unfortunately, that's not how our first few years went. Although there were happy times and our love remained constant, we were faced with disappointment and sadness. Maybe God knew that we weren't ready to be parents when we had our miscarriage almost two years ago and for some reason pregnancy wouldn't happen as easily for us as it does most people. I don't know the real reasons for the last two years, but I do know that it has changed us as people and as a married couple. It has strengthened us and taught us how to be a team and how to support one another in times of happiness and in times of heartache. I believe now that God has been preparing us for this baby and for the life ahead. Looking back now, as I gaze at my growing belly, I wouldn't change a thing. Maybe that sounds saddistic, but everything we've been through has gotten us to this exact point today and has brought us this miracle, hand picked just for us.
Back to baby...In just 10 days we will find out whether we're having a sweet girl or a sweet boy. I am hoping this week flies by and the 19th comes very quick! Everyone asks if I have any ideas. If I were to listen to the old wives tales and take into account that I've had dreams of my baby and it's always a girl...I'd say girl. But, I know I can't count on anything being accurate except that ultrasound. So, I guess we will have to wait! I haven't really bought anything because I'm not a gender neutral kind of shopper. So, I can't wait to find out so we can finally start buying things and start tossing around nursery ideas.
It's amazing how quickly my body has changed. I swear I can feel my stomach stretching, especially at night. Sometimes it feels like it's going to pop. I have cellulite on my ass and upper legs that I catch out of the corner of my eye as I walk by the bathroom mirror. Then, I have to get the hand held mirror and look closer....BIG MISTAKE! Not a pretty sight. I guess I shouldn't worry because my husband is loving my new body and I've been praying for all this for years, so I should be celebrating the cellulite right? I don't know how anyone could celebrate cottage cheese ass, but I'm trying. I notice that I'm constantly touching my belly now. I think it's just natural. Sometimes, I don't even know I'm doing it. I guess it's my way of touching and holding baby while it's nestled in there, until it's nestled in my own arms.
