Friday, March 30, 2012
A day of ups and downs...
I started the day feeling excited. I went to my Fertility Doctor this morning for my yearly exam. He told me all my preliminary bloodwork for IVF came back great and TJ had an "outstanding" analysis. They make you go through all kinds of tests before starting IVF, even though we just had these tests done 9 months ago. Poor TJ has been in "that" room so many times, he has become great friends with the office staff. Thank God I have a husband who is willing to go through all this and he does it with a smile on his face. I can't help but feel that if it weren't for me, TJ would already be a daddy by now. Everything about the two of us is perfect, except this one damn tube of mine!
Back to my day...As the afternoon progressed, my feelings of excitement dwindled. My girlfriend at work, who I have bonded with over the last year due to our "infertility issues" is pregnant. She did IUI (Insemination) the same month as me in February and (fortunately) it worked for her. She is now almost 12 weeks and already showing a little baby bump. People at work are now finding out and congratulating her. I have to admit, it's hard to hear. I can already feel our relationship changing because the one thing we had in common is now gone. She is happily expecting...and I can't help but think...that should be me too. I should be proudly displaying a baby bump, but instead I'm gearing up for the biggest risk of my life. I am calling it a risk because that's what it is. It is a huge financial, emotional, and physical risk. But, I know that if we get a baby or babies out of this, every second of the last 2 years will have been worth it. I don't want people to think that I am not happy for expecting mothers. That is not the case. I am happy for them and thankful that they are not experiencing this hell. It's just hard to see so many women able to get what I want so badly, but is completely out of my control.
Truth be told, despite those dwindling feelings I had today and have many other days too, I am extremely excited. I am ready to begin this new journey. I am hopeful that this will work for us considering it bypasses the tubes, but I am also remaining realistic because there is that chance that it may not work. I have my consent signing and mock transfer on Monday, Apr 2. This is where I will sign all my consent forms for treatment, write all the checks, and he will perform a "practice run" of the embryo transfer. He has told me it shouldn't be painful, so I'm not nervous about that. I think I'll be more nervous about writing the checks!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
The Reason for Blogging...
March 28, 2012
As I face the reality of IVF(In Vitro Fertilization) in my very near future, I am compelled to document my journey. Although I have been journaling for many years on paper, I have not shared my deepest thoughts, desires, and fears outloud. I have been told that starting a blog would be therapeutic for me. So, maybe I should have started this a long time ago.
Some Background...
July 2010: My husband, TJ and I start "purposely" trying to have a baby. Being surrounded by friends and family who all had gotten pregnant quite easily, I thought it would be a piece of cake for us. My cycle had always been regular, never had any major health issues...I thought "I'll be pregnant in no time." Well, five months later, on November 22, 2010, I found out I was pregnant. I was totally shocked and elated! TJ and I were thrilled. I called my GYN and made my 6 wk appointment. Never once did I even think anything bad would happen. Unfortunately on Saturday, December 4, I miscarried. I was only 5 weeks pregnant, so it may not sound like it should have been that big of a deal or that it shouldn't have effected me so significantly. But the truth of the matter is, miscarriage is a loss no matter when it happens or how it happens. Imagine going from your highest high to your lowest low, without reason or explanation. It took me a solid 10 months just to throw away the pregnancy test. I used to pull it out of my drawer and look at it, wondering if I'd ever see that line again...
To top things off, my sister found out she was pregnant (we were a week apart) with her third. (She was not the only person I knew expecting. Let's see...1 of my best friends just had her baby, 2 friends were pregnant, and 6 women at work were all pregnant.) This should have been a joyful time, but instead was tainted for my sister and I because I couldn't help but resent her for having a healthy pregnancy, while I had lost mine. I'll admit, I was not a participant in her pregnancy. I did not ask her questions. I couldn't even look at her growing belly. I can remember sitting in her 3D ultrasound, which I forced myself to go to thinking I could get through it. BIG MISTAKE. I sat in the back of the dark room by myself, away from the rest of the family who were sitting on a couch waiting for the screen to pop up. As soon as I saw the profile of the baby, I lost it. I cried in silence the entire ultrasound. I sobbed all the way home that day, alone in my car. Later on, these events would cause some problems between my sister and myself, but on August 5 my niece, Addison Marie was born and I was there to witness it all. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be in the room for the birth, but when the time came, I knew I didn't want to be anywhere else. Now, my sister is one of my biggest supporters and my biggest cheerleader.
I could go on and on about the last 21 months of my "infertile" life, but I don't think I would know where to stop. The point is that my life has been consumed with trying to get pregnant. It's all I think about and sometimes all I talk about. Timing everything, taking temps, peeing on sticks, and of course the fertility clinic...bloodwork, ultrasounds, Dye tests, more bloodwork, laparoscopic surgery for my blocked tubes, Inseminations, more bloodwork, and now IVF. Our last hope to have our little miracle. So, this blog's main purpose is for me to have a voice and for my readers to have a better understanding of what so many couples are going through.
As I face the reality of IVF(In Vitro Fertilization) in my very near future, I am compelled to document my journey. Although I have been journaling for many years on paper, I have not shared my deepest thoughts, desires, and fears outloud. I have been told that starting a blog would be therapeutic for me. So, maybe I should have started this a long time ago.
Some Background...
July 2010: My husband, TJ and I start "purposely" trying to have a baby. Being surrounded by friends and family who all had gotten pregnant quite easily, I thought it would be a piece of cake for us. My cycle had always been regular, never had any major health issues...I thought "I'll be pregnant in no time." Well, five months later, on November 22, 2010, I found out I was pregnant. I was totally shocked and elated! TJ and I were thrilled. I called my GYN and made my 6 wk appointment. Never once did I even think anything bad would happen. Unfortunately on Saturday, December 4, I miscarried. I was only 5 weeks pregnant, so it may not sound like it should have been that big of a deal or that it shouldn't have effected me so significantly. But the truth of the matter is, miscarriage is a loss no matter when it happens or how it happens. Imagine going from your highest high to your lowest low, without reason or explanation. It took me a solid 10 months just to throw away the pregnancy test. I used to pull it out of my drawer and look at it, wondering if I'd ever see that line again...
To top things off, my sister found out she was pregnant (we were a week apart) with her third. (She was not the only person I knew expecting. Let's see...1 of my best friends just had her baby, 2 friends were pregnant, and 6 women at work were all pregnant.) This should have been a joyful time, but instead was tainted for my sister and I because I couldn't help but resent her for having a healthy pregnancy, while I had lost mine. I'll admit, I was not a participant in her pregnancy. I did not ask her questions. I couldn't even look at her growing belly. I can remember sitting in her 3D ultrasound, which I forced myself to go to thinking I could get through it. BIG MISTAKE. I sat in the back of the dark room by myself, away from the rest of the family who were sitting on a couch waiting for the screen to pop up. As soon as I saw the profile of the baby, I lost it. I cried in silence the entire ultrasound. I sobbed all the way home that day, alone in my car. Later on, these events would cause some problems between my sister and myself, but on August 5 my niece, Addison Marie was born and I was there to witness it all. I wasn't sure if I was going to be able to be in the room for the birth, but when the time came, I knew I didn't want to be anywhere else. Now, my sister is one of my biggest supporters and my biggest cheerleader.
I could go on and on about the last 21 months of my "infertile" life, but I don't think I would know where to stop. The point is that my life has been consumed with trying to get pregnant. It's all I think about and sometimes all I talk about. Timing everything, taking temps, peeing on sticks, and of course the fertility clinic...bloodwork, ultrasounds, Dye tests, more bloodwork, laparoscopic surgery for my blocked tubes, Inseminations, more bloodwork, and now IVF. Our last hope to have our little miracle. So, this blog's main purpose is for me to have a voice and for my readers to have a better understanding of what so many couples are going through.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)