This is a picture of our perfect little blastocyst.
Today was transfer day. Of course I couldn't sleep last night. Too many things swirling around in my head I guess. The worst part of today was having a full bladder for about an hour. They told me to start drinking water when I was 20 minutes away from the office, along with taking my valium. I could already feel the valium kicking in as I was getting out of the car. I felt gooood! Considering I haven't had any alcohol intake in about a month, I was enjoying the effects of the pill :) Anyway, we went back to a dark room with the doctor, the embryologist, and the sonographer. She put the ultra sound thingy on my stomach, which was not pleasant against my full bladder, but was necessary. It was really cool because we could watch the whole process on the monitor. We could see the catheter that was placed in my uterus and when the embryo was transferred through the catheter, I could see a small white flash go in. I fought back tears because it's such an amazing thing.
Just like that, it was over. It took about a total of 5 minutes. Now all that blast has to do is stick! Stick little bean stick!
It's so hard not to get excited. It seems like everything went perfectly. Even our embryo was perfect and we still have at least one to freeze. Ahead of us is probably the longest part...waiting for the pregnancy test. My scheduled blood test isn't until June 7. Whether I will test on my own before that, I don't know. It'll be hard not to, but when you've had so many negative pregnancy tests, it's hard to believe you'll ever have a positive one. I want to hold on to the hope as long as possible. So, taking an early test may just be something I decide to do spontaneously or something I don't do at all. I'll have to see how I feel over the next week or so.
In the meantime, I'm being a total lazy butt. I've been laying in bed all day, afraid to move. I have tomorrow off too, so I will continue to relax tomorrow as well and I don't know if it's the progesterone or just me, but I've been eating like crazy! I go back to work the following day, which will probably be what I need to keep my mind off this. Before we left today, the nurse told me to relax and stay positive over the next several days...much easier said than done!
We've had two consecutive days of good news. Yesterday, they called to tell us that out of the 7 eggs, 6 were mature and 5 fertilized. I was very happy to hear that. She said they would call to tell us how they were growing tomorrow (today). So, I just got the call and she said all 5 embryos are growing and they are all within the top 2 grade, so we are going to a day 5 transfer. I had myself convinced that we would do a day 3 transfer, so I am beyond happy!
I can't explain the array of emotions I am feeling. As soon as I see that number on my phone, I immediately start trembling. Heart pounding. Waiting to hear how our embryos are growing or if they're not. After hearing the news, both days, I just wanted to fall to the ground and burst into tears. Tears of joy, tears of relief, tears of fear...so many emotions intertwined.
But, mostly tears of joy. I had hoped and prayed to respond to the meds, to retrieve enough eggs, for the eggs to fertilize, and to go to a day 5 transfer. So, far this has all happened for us. Thank God. You can't help but feel like this is it. This is going to work for us. In just a few weeks, or less, I could find out that I am pregnant. Something that I've been waiting for what seems like an eternity. I have a new emotion that I have not had in a very long time...HOPE.
I slept pretty well last night, considering what I was waking up to today...retrieval day! I started to get nervous as we were sitting in the lobby at 6:45 this morning, empty stomach and cotton mouthed. They called us back within minutes and I was dressing into my designer gown and cap by 7:15. Thankfully our nurse was really nice and kept us laughing the whole time. He asked if I was nervous because my blood pressure was 150! "yes I am nervous!" I began to relax after he gave me my IV and we talked to the doctor doing the aspiration. TJ and I kissed and we were off our separate ways; me to the surgery room and him to the "do his business" room. I was escorted back by the nurse, but couldn't see a thing because they had TJ take my glasses. So, basically a monkey could've been doing my retrieval and I wouldn't have known the difference. With some help, I got up on the table, they strapped my arms down, I looked up at all the bright lights, and that's all I remember.
I woke up in recovery to our likeable nurse who told me they retrieved 7 eggs, which I was happy with. TJ joined me just a few minutes later. Fortunately, I felt good. I had no initial pain, no nausea. I felt good. Thank God. We were on our way home by 9. All in all, I couldn't have been more pleased with my experience.
The only thing that is bothering me now is that as the Dr. was telling TJ she retrieved 7 eggs, while I was in recovery, she also informed him that if 5 or less eggs fertilize, they automatically do a 3 day transfer. Now that has never been explained to us and I'm not exactly sure why that would be protocol. I guess I have to wait until tomorrow when we find out fertilization results. In addition, we had firmly decided that we would only implant one embryo if we went to a day 5 transfer. We were told by our Dr. that if we went to a day 3 transfer, they would automatically implant two. So, now after getting comfortable with the idea of just one, we may actually end up putting in two depending on fertilization. So, tomorrow will be spent staring at my phone until I see that familiar number pop up on the screen and even then I probably won't want to answer it for fear of what they may tell me.
I'm hoping that at least 4 fertilize. I think this is a reasonable and realistic hope. I know from previous specimens that TJ has lots of strong swimmers. :) 7/7 would be fantastic, but I'm not betting on that happening. It's crazy and amazing to think our little babies are (hopefully) being conceived right now.
We made it through the physically hard part: the shots, the appointments, the bloodwork, and the retrieval. Now it's the mentally hard part: fertilization, implantation, and of course the pregnancy test. Will we become pregnant or will this all have been for nothing. Only time will tell.
First celebration: I can trigger tonight (hcg shot). Second celebration: my egg retrieval will be Thursday morning...AAAHHH!!! I can't believe it. I was getting a little discouraged because I went for an u/s yesterday and wasn't ready yet, which meant another night of meds. I had to go back this morning for another u/s and more bloodwork. Finally, they called me to say I was ready. I don't know if my arms could take any more bloodwork! They told me I have 7 mature follicles and 1 that is almost there. Whether or not it will mature by Thursday, we don't know. They also told me that I could get more than that or less...we won't know until the retrieval.
We've waited so long for this day to come. I am ready, but terribly nervous. I'll probably have lots of anxiety Thursday morning while they prep me for surgery. I've only had surgery once before and that was to clear my tubes. (which obviously didn't work) I just want to get through this and then mentally prepare myself for the next stage...fertilization and embryo development.
Being that the retrieval is on Thursday, our transfer could fall on Sunday or Tuesday next week. It all depends on the embryos.
Another celebration...no more shots after tonight. Although I somewhat got used to doing them because they became a part of my nightly routine promptly at 6:30...I'm glad that part is over!
I had my 3rd ultrasound and bloodwork this morning. Good news...they've grown! I have 1 follicle at 17 mm and 4 at 15 mm, 1 at 13 and 1 at 12. My estrogen doubled from Friday, from 600 to 1300. They monitor this level too, along with follicle growth. They still don't think I'll be ready to trigger by tomorrow night. We'll have to wait and see what the u/s shows tomorrow morning and then wait for bloodwork results. (yes, another u/s and more bloodwork) Although I am so anxious for them to tell me I'm ready, I trust that they know the exact right time to trigger. I don't want to trigger too early because the follicles may not be mature and I'm hoping that some of those smaller ones may grow within the next few days. If it's not tomorrow night, it'll definitely be by Tuesday night.
I have to admit that I'm a little disappointed in only having 7 measurable follicles. I thought I'd have more considering I produced over half of that just on clomid for my IUI's. On the other hand, I'm thankful I don't have over 20 because high numbers increase the risk of OHSS (Ovarian Hyper Stimulation Syndrome).
I can only hope that all 7 are mature by the retrieval and all 7 have an egg. I know it only takes one, but we'd like a little "wiggle" room. If we have more embryos that we are not implanting at this time and are of good quality, we will freeze them for a later cycle. Right now I can't even think of this not working and facing another cycle. Of course a frozen cycle doesn't entail all the same drugs and costs as a fresh cycle, but with it too, comes the stress and the worry.
So, right now we're waiting for what comes next. Seems like that's all we've been doing for two years...WAITING.
I had my second u/s and bloodwork yesterday. I only have 3 or 4 follicles of 13 mm in size and the rest are still under 12 mm. They need to be between 16 and 18 mm in order to do my trigger shot. Apparently they grow 1-2 mm in size per day. The lady I spoke to yesterday doesn't think I'll be ready by Sunday to trigger, which is what they had predicted for me. So, I go back in for another u/s and bloodwork tomorrow (Sunday) and see if they've grown. The only down side to not being on schedule is MORE MEDS! I may have to be on more medicine for a few more days than anticipated. Right now I have enough meds to get me through Sunday night, so the office is "loaning" me 2 more days of meds if needed. Of course I have to pay for what I use. I will say that the office has been very helpful with the medication. They provided me with 1 gonal-f pen (which can run up to $250) and enough progesterone to last me a few weeks. I start progesterone after the Egg Retrieval up until my pregnany test. If I am pregnant, I will have to continue the progesterone for up to several weeks. At least it's a gel and not the huge intramuscular needle they used to use.
Something tells me that we will probably be ready by Monday to trigger and will end up doing the actual retrieval on Wednesday, May 23. Of course that's my husband's birthday. You can look at this scenario two ways: What an awesome way to spend your birthday...watching your wife go under for surgery and then having to **** off into a cup OR Your first child is conceived on your birthday. Of course I'm going with the second choice. I know my husband will only have one wish for his birthday and I hope to God I can give it to him.
We will know more tomorrow after our appointment. I am hoping the follies have grown exponentially since yesterday because I am ready for this part to be over. Of course after the retrieval is probably the hardest part because you find out how many eggs they actually retrieved, how many fertilized, and then how they are growing. More mental stress to come...
I had my ultrasound and bloodwork this morning to see how many follicles are growing. She (the sonographer) counted 14 follicles, 8 in my left ovary and 6 in my right. My estrogen levels looked good, so I am going to continue with the same dose of medication and go back for another ultrasound Friday to see the size of the follicles. They were all too small today to measure. From what I can tell, things are right on track. I've also read that just because I have 14 now doesn't mean I'll have 14 a few days from now. I could have more or less, depending on how they grow. I'm thinking my actual Egg Retrieval will be either Monday or Tuesday next week.
As for how I'm feeling, the last 3 days have been surprisingly good. After getting through the first couple of days, the back pain is gone and I'm only experiencing some mild cramping. I'm happy to be feeling good, but am afraid that this is just the calm before the storm. My doctor told me I would feel the worst after the egg retrieval. I have to think that's because of all the meds being pumped into me and the needle aspirating each follicle in my ovaries...OUCH. Good thing I will be out for that. I was prescribed Tylenol 3 too, but I'm not sure I'll take it considering it can cause constipation. On top of everything else, I don't want to be dealing with that too. I will; however, take the Valium they have prescribed me for the Embryo Transfer. They give you this to relax your uterus, so I am all about reeping the benefits of that pill, even if it's only for a few hours.
All in all, things are going well. My tummy is getting sore and I've developed a few bruises, but nothing unbearable. I'm half way through the process and feeling positive.
In one of my recent posts, I expressed how thankful I was for these doctors and the medical advances in infertility. But, I forgot to mention how thankful I am for all the people in my life who have supported me from day 1. We have amazing family and friends who are all hoping and praying for us and without this support system, I know the last 2 years would have been so much harder for us. I know lots of people are praying and I'm praying too...hoping these prayers will finally be answered.
A few days ago, I was feeling "fine". Can't say the same today. I started stim drugs on Friday and almost immediately felt different. I couldn't sleep that night, my lower back was aching, and I had some uncomfortable cramping in both sides. I was a little concerned because I didn't think I would react to the medication that quick. I thought "what if something is wrong?" But I guess when you're injecting 3 different medications into your body at once, you are bound to "feel it" pretty quickly. I know this sounds crazy, but it's like I can feel my ovaries. I have a constant weight in my tummy, on both sides and an aching all through my lower back, not to mention the noticeable pudge that has resided on my stomach. I'm not in pain, just very uncomfortable! Oh, and have I mentioned that I'm highly EMOTIONAL!!!
I fought back tears in church today when I saw a handicapped boy go down the aisles, happily shaking everyone's hands. I cried during my niece's dance recital today when a group of beautiful little girls appeared on stage and danced to a song about mommies. I sobbed at the end of a romantic comedy last night when Anne Hathaway got hit by a bus. I even started to cry as Flea from The Red Hot Chili Peppers proclaimed his love for music during the Rock N Roll Hall of Fame Induction...Yes, I'd say my hormones are slightly altered at the moment.
Here I was worried about getting through the three injections, which by the way, are starting to get really freaking annoying. Now, I'm just worried about how much worse I'm going to feel tomorrow. I just have to make it another week or so. I can do this...but I may need to carry around a box of Kleenex from this point on.
We have another U/S and bloodwork on Wednesday. This is when we will see how my follicles are growing. Grow follies grow!
So, this marks my 10th day on Lupron. I haven't had any severe side effects, just some hot flashes and the occassional emotional outburst. Although I'm thinking that's just me and has nothing to do with the medicine. But, what can you expect when I watch a Mother's Day commercial (compliments of Publix) with a pregnant woman and her daughter talking to her belly about what a wonderful mother she is...part of me gags and the other part, of course, wishes that were me.
Other than that, I feel fine. I have my first u/s and bloodwork tomorrow morning to make sure the Lupron and birth control did their jobs. If all is right, then I start my stimulation meds tomorrow night. I'm a little nervous about going from my one little needle, to 3 injections. I have to actually mix one of medications that comes in a powder form. Hopefully, the directions are detailed enough and I remember what they taught me in class. The other is a pen, which is the one I'm really nervous about. It seems like I'll have to use more force with that one since it's the size of a real pen, only thicker!
Hopefully, I'll be feeling "fine" a week from now...but I'm prepared to have side effects with this next round of medication. I've been told I'll feel bloated and gain some weight...just another perk...to feel pregnant without actually being pregnant!
Side effects or no side effects, I'm doing this and would probably do it again. I am so thankful for medical advances and Reproductive Medicine/Doctors who have devoted their lives to give women like me hope for our little miracles.
On Tuesday morning, I had my "shot" class at RMG (Reproductive Medicine Group). Our coordinator taught us how to administer the shots, either in our bellies or our legs, and gave us our Calendar. The Calendar tells what meds to take, when to start stimulation meds, how much, and predicts when our ER and ET will be. I am scheduled to start stimulation on May 11. That's when I will be taking Lupron, Gonal-F, and Menopur. Yes, 3 injections each night for about 9-14 days. I have to say...I have completely surprised myself at how well I am doing with the injections so far. I know it's only been a total of 5 injections, but I am such a wimp when it comes to needles and anything "medical". I thought it would be really hard for me to poke myself, but it was actually quite easy and painless...this may change in about 8 days. We shall see...but I think I'm entitled to a little pat on the back regardless.
They've estimated my ER to fall on May 22 and my ET would be either 3 or 5 days later. Of course this could change by a few days. It all depends on how I respond to the stimulation meds. Sometimes I still can't believe this is happening to us. Am I really doing this??? I used to drive myself crazy wondering "why us?", but there's really no point in that. I've cried myself to sleep so many times, there's no way to keep count. We will never truly know the reason why we have had to go down this path of heartache, grief, sadness, and frustration. I can only believe that something big and better lies ahead and God has been preparing us for that. We are stronger than ever in our marriage and possibly the strongest we've ever been as individuals. I can also find solace in knowing that we are not alone. I know there are other couples out there fighting this uphill battle who share the same thoughts and emotions.
On a lighter note...I am looking forward to the next few weeks and am so ready for all this to be over and to be in my 2WW (that's 2 week wait for those of you who have no idea what my acronyms stand for) But that'll be a whole other story!
