So Blessed

I am 30 weeks and 4 days today.  I can't believe I have less than 9 weeks to go.  TJ and I have so much to be thankful for and I have been reminded of that several times over the last few weeks.  Over Thanksgiving, we were in Missouri.  TJ's family threw us a gift card/cash party while we were there.  Everyone was so generous and giving.  We were able to purchase all the baby furniture...crib, dresser, mattress and even some other items with all that was given to us.  I have married into such an amazing family and I can't wait to bring Charlee back to Missouri to meet all of them.

And then there's the amazing family I came from...This past weekend, my sister, mom, and a few friends helped to put on our shower here.  Everything was beautiful and Charlee got some great gifts.  My grandma, aunts, and friends all came to celebrate our miracle.  I was overcome with emotion during the shower a few times.  As I was opening yet another gift from my mother-in-law, I began to cry and felt that I wasn't going to be able to stop.  The reality of this really happening came over me.  I was really sitting there opening gifts for my baby girl.  Something I thought I may never do.  And as I went to thank everyone at the end, I began to cry again.  I couldn't even get the words out and I felt so foolish because there were things I wanted to say to the women in that room.  I wanted to thank anyone and everyone who prayed for us over the last few years, who supported and encouraged us and hoped for us.  Without them, I don't know if TJ and I would be where we are today.  When I felt like giving up, it was the people in my life who helped give me the strength to continue, along with my faith in God's plan.  Although, truthfully, my faith in God's plan wavered at times.  I didn't understand it then and still don't, but I do believe God knew we were not ready yet to become parents.  I also believe God will never give us more than we can handle.  So, although I may not understand WHY we went through what we did, I wouldn't change a thing. 

The crib is up in the nursery, along with all the bedding.  It is SO pretty!  We are waiting on the dresser to come in to complete the set.  Her closet us bulging with clothes!  Everything already looks so good in there, so I know the finished product will be perfect.  I just did my first full load of receiving blankets and burp cloths....much easier to fold and put away than TJ's laundry! 

It becomes more real everyday that this baby is on her way.  I pray every night for a healthy little girl and a good delivery.  I am definitely fearing the actual labor pain and just hope everything goes as "planned".  I can't wait to see what she looks like and to finally hold her!  Let the count down begin...

Hello 3rd Trimester

As I approach my 28th week of pregnancy, I am feeling excited, anxious, and scared!  It is hitting me that my life is about to change forever.  Although I can not wait to see this little girl, I am nervous about the changes she will bring.  TJ and I have been together going on 7 years and it has just been the two of us...coming and going as we please.  I am fully aware that it will no longer be this free-flowing in about 3 months.  I don't know if that's really hit TJ yet or not, but it is something I'm thinking about frequently.  I mean, we walk out the door without cell phones or wallets or keys all the time...are we going to forget her too?  Believe it or not, I worry about this!  I worry about us being good parents and will motherhood come "naturally" for me like people say it does?  Will I have a good labor, will I be able to breastfeed, will she look like us?  So many unanswered questions.  It's the fear of the unknown.


On the other hand, I also know (through the experiences of other parents) that having a baby will fill our lives with joy and new found love.  That we will experience a happiness that we have never felt before.  That I will see TJ as the father of my child and not just my husband. We are definitely ready for something new in our lives and although I know this will be the hardest thing we ever do, she will be the best thing we ever do.

We have started on Charlee's room.  The walls are painted a shade of grey, the carpet is in, and TJ is in the process of installing the new baseboards.  I can't wait to see the room finished.  Still lots to do.  Here is a picture of the bedding we picked out. 



We have 2 showers coming up in the next few weeks and alreadyhave been receiving some gifts.  I'm looking forward to celebrating Baby Charlee with family and friends.  This is the homestretch! Lots to be thankful for this Thanksgiving holiday!!

Large and In Charge

I never realized how flat my stomach was until now!  At 25 weeks, I have gained a total of 16 lbs.  I think I'm pretty much all belly, except for the double chin and the cellulite I've mentioned in my blogs before.  Unfortunately, I've been in quite a bit of pain over the last few weeks.  My doctor says this is from the "symphysis pubis" becoming too stretchy, which has to do with the ligaments that usually keep your pelvic bone aligned.  I guess it can cause pain in some women.  There have been days where I've literally limped around work.  My family keeps saying "you're only 6 months, what are you going to do when you're 8 or 9 months??"  I've thought about this and the thought scares me, truthfully.  I feel like a big wimp and that I am not being a very good pregnant person.  But, it's not fun being in pain everyday!  Today was the first day in weeks that I felt pretty good.  It wasn't painful, just a dull ache.  I'm hoping that the ligaments are done stretching at least for a few weeks. 

What makes all this pain worthwhile??  Getting to feel her everyday, all day.  She kicks and pokes nonstop in all different spots around my belly.  I don't know what she's going to do when she gets too big to move around like that.  I can already tell she's going to be an athlete (like her mommy).

Other exciting things going on...we registered, picked out the baby furniture, and now have started on the room. Well...TJ has started on the room.  We're re-doing the baby's room and the guest room, so he has a lot of work ahead of him: painting, new carpet, baseboards, etc....We want our guest room to feel like home for Tj's mom when she comes to babysit Charlee while TJ and I go out...I mean when she comes to visit. 

Our first gift came today from his Grandma.  She bought us our monitor and I saw our pack n play had been bought too.  It's crazy to think we will be using these things very soon.  I know this month and next month will fly by because of the holidays and with so much to get done.  February will be here before we know it.  I am so excited to see our little girl and to hold and kiss her.  It still blows my mind to know that I'm going to be a mom and that I'm going to have a daughter.  I'm definitely getting to the point of just wanting her here, but until then, I am enjoying my last few months of sleeping and laying around on the couch whenever I want!

The perks of pregnancy

I swore that when or if I finally got pregnant, I would never complain about anything.  So, when people ask me how I'm feeling, I always say "good".  For the most part, I do feel good and I have had a good pregnancy so far.  BUT, there are a few things that I'm having a hard time accepting right now.  For starters...the weight gain and increase of cellulite.  I know the answer to this is to work out and exercise, but by the time I get home everyday I have no motivation to get outside and walk.  I have never seen my legs looks so horrible and my ass is just a jiggly ball of cottage cheese.  It makes me worry about getting back into shape after pregnancy.  Speaking of gaining...my boobs are growing by the day.  I just bought a 36D from Victoria's Secret 2 weeks ago and have already grown out of that bra.  WTF??  You would think I'd be happy to have porn-star boobs, but I think it's contributing to my back pain.  OHHH, the back pain.   Around mid-day each day, I start getting a throbbing, burning pain inbetween my shoulder blades on my right side.  It is miserable!  I feel like I'm already waddling around work, like I'm 9 months pregnant. I pee on the hour every hour.  I am starting to have trouble sleeping.  I think I'm starting to get the heartburn and have been having acid reflux...something I've never had before.  All I can think to myself is how I'm going to do this for another 4 months.  Am I being a wimp?  Maybe I am.  I'm hoping it's all just my body trying to adjust to my growing belly and my growing baby and the aches and pains will become more bearable as I get closer to February.  I asked TJ last night how I'm going to do this and he said you just will, you will adjust.  Maybe this is nature's way of preparing me for the aches and pains Charlee will bring me later on in life.  Who knows..

Ultimately, I know that when I see her beautiful face for the first time, I will look back on these moments and laugh.  I know that every single ache and pain will be worth it in the end.  I paid very good money for these aches and pains and waited a long time for them, so I know I should be thanking God.  So, thank you God, for the weight gain, the cellulite, the heartburn and whatever else may lay ahead...I wouldn't change it for the world.
   

Ok, I'm done venting.

1/2 Way There

Twenty weeks down and twenty to go...give or take.  When we went for our u/s, she was measuring a week ahead, so maybe that'll mean I won't make it to Feb. 14.  Who knows...maybe I'll go past my due date.  It would be pretty special to have her born on Valentines Day though.  I always get "awww" when I tell people my due date.  February seems so far away, but the first 5 months went by pretty quickly, so I'm sure the next 5 will fly by too.  Actually, it seems that the last 2 1/2 years are a blur, despite everything we went through to get here.

Speaking of the last couple years...I never thought in a million years that I would end up having trouble getting pregnant. (I've said this before) I don't think anyone grows up thinking that.  But, the reality is that it happens to many couples.  It is more common than people realize because it is not talked about openly.  People want to share their happy stories of getting pregnant after 2 months or trying for their 3rd or 4th.  These people will never know the pain and heartache that comes with infertility.  I, on the other hand, will never forget the darkness and the doubt that I faced for what seemed like forever.  Although, I am sitting here truly blessed with a miracle and can touch my growing belly as a reminder that I really am pregnant, I know that without modern medicine I would probably not have a chance to carry a child.  I think the best thing I ever did was "come out" about my struggles.  After having so many colleagues ask me about having a baby, I couldn't take it anymore without punching someone in the face.  So, when I had my surgery to unblock my tubes, I had my principal explain to the staff what was going on with me.  After that...no one asked about me having babies.  Instead, they said they were praying for us and hoping for the best.  What more could I have asked for besides prayers.  And I believe they were heard and answered.

Shortly after coming out at work, I had a "friend" confide in me that he and his wife were struggling with infertility also and had been for years.  We became close and became a support system for eachother as we both faced IVF.  I know that if I had never told the staff, he would've never opened up to me and we both would've continued going through fertility treatments in silence.  I guess the point I'm trying to make is, I am happy that I did not suffer in silence.  My family knew, my friends knew, and my co-workers knew and in turn, I had a strong support system and became almost proud of what TJ and I have survived.  I know it has made us a better couple and it has made me a stronger person.  It has also made me and everyone around me aware of infertility and empathetic to every person I know experiencing it and everyone I saw walk through those doors at the fertility clinic.  I also know that there are worse things that can happen in life, but when you want a baby so bad and cannot have one, it does become the worst possible thing that can happen to you. 

At the end of the day, I went through what seemed like the worst possible thing to ever happen to me to the best possible thing that has ever happened to me.  I am proof that there is hope, when things seem hopeless.  I have been hopeless and am now full of new hopes, not only for her, but for our whole family.  I hope that when my daughter is old enough, that she will one day understand just how much she means to us and how long we waited to meet her and what a true miracle she really is.

Tickled Pink

I thought it would take forever for Sept. 19 to get here.  This was our scheduled u/s appointment and the day we could find out what we were having.  I guess it wasn't until about 12 weeks that I started to feel that it was a girl tumbling around in my belly.  I think the fact that all of TJ's family telling me it would be a girl probably got me thinking that way.  But, all my dreams have always been of me holding a baby girl...never a boy.  I just had a strong feeling that it was a girl.  I honestly was going to be shocked if they told me boy...not disappointed, just shocked.

My dad surprised me and came to the u/s.  They called us back at 1:30 on the dot..thank God for no waiting.  I was already anxious enough.  I felt like I was going to poop my pants!  It was my first tummy u/s too and the sonographer did a lot of measurements and checking anatomy before we could take a peek between the legs.  She counted...2 hands, 2 feet, 2 arms, 2 legs, measured the head, checked the nose and lips...sometimes we could make out the body parts and other times we were like..wtf is that???  It took her a little bit to measure because this baby was super active and wouldn't stay still.  The sonographer even said that I wasn't lying when I've said I feel the baby moving.  Finally, it was time to see if it was a boy or a girl.  Right away, she got the perfect view and froze the frame, pointing out there were not boy parts so it was definitely A GIRL!!!!!! All I could think to myself was I knew it.  I felt it.  I cried and had a permanent smile on my face for the rest of the day.  I think TJ got a little more scared knowing that he's going to have a little girl to take care of for the rest of his life, along with me.  And if she does half the stuff we've done...we are in big trouble!!!

It's an amazing, yet terrifying feeling, knowing that you are going to be a parent. I'm already thinking of the things I will teach her, the things I want her exposed to and the things I don't.  It's crazy because you can try to mold this person into what you want her to be or what you never were.  I want the absolute best for her already.  I love knowing that she's a girl and I can call her by her name and not "it".  Speaking of the name...we struggled with the girl name.  We've had our boy name picked out for years, but the girl we couldn't get.  Originally, I liked the name Bryn, but it just wasn't sticking with me like our boy name always has.  We went through a name book of 50,000 plus names and still had no luck.  We tossed around a few, but again nothing stuck until we were in Missouri in August for vacation.  Someone mentioned Charlie...TJ's dad's name.  We thought about it and both really started liking it.  So, ever since...the name stuck.  Of course we've had doubts about it because it is usually a boy's name, but when we thought of the meaning and the fact that she will carry on her grandpa's full name put to rest our fears.  I think she will be proud to know that she is named after her grandfather, a strong and hard-working man.  We've changed the spelling to feminize the name a little and her middle name is after my Aunt Tina.  We also have Charlie on the Symmes' side too, so the name couldn't be more perfect...
We can't wait to meet you Charlee Christine.

I can feel her move now all day, everyday.  TJ has yet to feel her, but I think over the next week or two, he will be able to.  My belly is definitely out there now.  I think around the 16 week, it really popped out.  I have some occassional cramps and aches, which I attribute to growing and stretching.  Sometimes I already feel like I'm waddling and I'm only 19 weeks!  Almost half way there.  It is still unbelievable to me sometimes, knowing everything we went through to get here, not knowing if we'd ever get here.  I feel so very blessed to have this experience.  I'm peeing every 10 minutes it feels like and am now sleeping with a pillow between my legs, but I wouldn't change a thing.  Especially knowing now who it is all for...my precious baby girl. 

33 years old and 17 weeks pregnant

When I was a little girl, I thought I'd be married at 22 and having my first baby around 24.  Well, that didn't work out...thank God because at 22, I had no business being a married woman!  I'm glad I had all my 20's to figure out who I was and what I wanted and to experience life with my friends and make my own choices.  When I met TJ at 26, we knew within the first few weeks that we were going to be married someday.  I do believe that when you meet that special someone, you just know.  At least, that's how it happened for me.  So, at 30, I married my soul mate and now at 33, I am pregnant with our first baby.  It's not the timeline I had originally planned, but I know things happen for a reason.  The first few years of marriage are supposed to be the happiest, especially if you start trying for a family.  Unfortunately, that's not how our first few years went.  Although there were happy times and our love remained constant, we were faced with disappointment and sadness.  Maybe God knew that we weren't ready to be parents when we had our miscarriage almost two years ago and for some reason pregnancy wouldn't happen as easily for us as it does most people.  I don't know the real reasons for the last two years, but I do know that it has changed us as people and as a married couple.  It has strengthened us and taught us how to be a team and how to support one another in times of happiness and in times of heartache.  I believe now that God has been preparing us for this baby and for the life ahead.  Looking back now, as I gaze at my growing belly, I wouldn't change a thing.  Maybe that sounds saddistic, but everything we've been through has gotten us to this exact point today and has brought us this miracle, hand picked just for us.

Back to baby...In just 10 days we will find out whether we're having a sweet girl or a sweet boy.  I am hoping this week flies by and the 19th comes very quick!  Everyone asks if I have any ideas.  If I were to listen to the old wives tales and take into account that I've had dreams of my baby and it's always a girl...I'd say girl.  But, I know I can't count on anything being accurate except that ultrasound.  So, I guess we will have to wait!  I haven't really bought anything because I'm not a gender neutral kind of shopper.  So, I can't wait to find out so we can finally start buying things and start tossing around nursery ideas. 

It's amazing how quickly my body has changed.  I swear I can feel my stomach stretching, especially at night.  Sometimes it feels like it's going to pop.  I have cellulite on my ass and upper legs that I catch out of the corner of my eye as I walk by the bathroom mirror.  Then, I have to get the hand held mirror and look closer....BIG MISTAKE!  Not a pretty sight.  I guess I shouldn't worry because my husband is loving my new body and I've been praying for all this for years, so I should be celebrating the cellulite right?  I don't know how anyone could celebrate cottage cheese ass, but I'm trying.  I notice that I'm constantly touching my belly now.  I think it's just natural.  Sometimes, I don't even know I'm doing it.  I guess it's my way of touching and holding baby while it's nestled in there, until it's nestled in my own arms.